Ashes of Me (The Ballad of Suicide on Cracking Ice)

[Phil Rose]

Walking across the ice, thru the mist, like a ghost with no name
Between the lost years of you and me, we've become the ice and mist
I turn the corners of my life and walk thru doors that open into black and white

I see myself walking away again and I wonder why
I meet myself standing on the same corners that I once thought
I'd left far behind

What I see thru the mist is the fading light
As I'm walking on the edges of cracks in the ice, wondering which way to fall
I know I'll never understand why I let us spiral down so much
At least I recognize it to be true
I look inside myself and see my life's a mess
I'm the same old fool I've always been, I'm just a little older

Time has slipped thru my fingers, wasted trying to figure out which wind to follow
I'm tired of this life and maybe life is tired of me
In my mind I want to set myself free, but I need pain tearing into me
I've walked these paths of ice and mist before, they all look the same
I just walk them a little slower

Talking to myself in a silent angry voice, it all gets crazy
The conflict then the silence, the apathy and frustration, the attitude then solitude
Can I live this eternal lie? When will I die?

It's such a shame. This life's suicide

Would anybody care? Would they hold my hand as I slip away?
Who will take the blame?

Could you
Would you
Rescue a wasted life
Would you waste your life trying to save mine?

There's still time for you to remind me how good this life could be
Yet still you let my walls crumble like the Ashes of Me
I can't walk across the water like I once did for you
If you believe in anything you believe in what you hear of me
We all want something to believe in. I wanted someone who believed in
me
I feel lonely even in a crowd of friends
I always give them reasons to make insinuations or laugh at me expense
They only parts they want of me are the stories thay can tell
In the full circle of my life I could never live up to their expectations
The ones that feed your attitude

Lets not get over sentimental over this, its not that easy. I've been around too many people for so long that have given so few
I never expected anything of them
All they wanted was to receive

Now all they want
Is the Ashes of Me

Beneath my skin and bone is the skeleton of a man alone
If you could change a piece of me, which piece would you chose?
If you remember anything, will you remember the good sides of me?
Or will you bury all the pieces with the Ashes of Me?
Or will you piece together the fragments of what remains?

I woke up this morning in a strange place
I couldn't make out the image on the ice, it didn't look my face
Heaven is a peaceful place and when it rains its warm
I'm on the ice but I'm dry
Could this be tears from Heaven? Or are you spitting on me?

I know I kept emotions from you
Can't you see, in self defense, I was also keeping them from me?

I don't want to be rich or famous, just somebody with somebody holding on to me

My friends told me "when it comes to love, it takes time, just wait and see". They lied to my emotions, you wasn't just time, you were my life.
So I asked them why they lied and what they wanted of me
They replied, " the Ashes of Me"

"You can cope, they said, as long as love is around"
Its not that easy. Every time I begin to believe in love, their words start laughing at me

If I had a choice of reflection thru all these wasted years, I'd look back at the time of innocence when I was flying kites by the sea

You know I used to be a Prince in my momma's eyes until my throne swallowed me. What took you so long my friends, for you to be sick of me? I wanted you so badly to set me free.

When you were here I was always gone. You were lost and I was alone
We were young and couldn't figure out a way to meet. You were sad to see me constantly down. You eventually turned away and tried to be sensitive to my feelings. Then you trampled on the Ashes of Me.

The mist clears and the ice begins to crack, I feel like I'm getting more than wet, so I swallow a mouth of air. If I drown who will care?

You all lied just the same as me. What was the difference between yours and mine? you said you lost my trust, you never found it where I left it. Did you try to look?

Night and day are always in between the places where my shadow fall
Would you walk thru the mist, on the cracks of the ice and reach out for my hand? Did I give you too little to late. Or was it too late for you to give a little? Is it love you hate?

Did I have to learn to live?
Did I have to live and learn?
Did I have to cry in pain?
Did I need the pain to cry?
Did I have to bleed?
Do I have to die for you to grieve?
Will you grieve when I die?

If so I give you
The Ashes of Me

After the mist has cleared and the ice has cracked, will you remember me?

Will you bury me away from a grave and place a tombstone of oblivion over the Ashes of Me?

Help me
Help me
I'm falling
Thru the cracks

Will you save me?
Or am I unforgiven?

You leave me to the mercy of the cracking ice
So was it suicide?

My friends are carrying an empty casket

They've left behind

The Ashes of Me.

[Sherry]

Phil,

I am mesmerized by the honesty and depth of feeling that
you put into your writing. I like the analogy you use of ‘ashes.’ I can relate very well to it since I often feel like I’m invisible. I also like “walking on edges of cracks in the ice” rather than just walking on ice. It adds a lot to the tone of desperation. And “wondering which way to fall” - it sounds as though the speaker is weighing their options, so perhaps they are not without hope after all.

In answer to the question “Would anybody care?,” there is always somebody who cares about us even if we are not really aware of that person at the time of experiencing such dark feelings.

“I feel lonely even in a crowd of friends
I always give them reasons to make insinuations or laugh at me expense”

I think that "real" friends don’t laugh at our expense.

I hope that you find that writing your feelings helps you to work through them and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Sherry

[lizzytysh]

Dear Sherry ~

I think that "real" friends don’t laugh at our expense.

With some minor, situational exceptions; overall, this is a feeling we share.

This poem I'm going to need to read in reverse; when I saw its length, I went on to your response. I'll respond later, Phil.


Love,
Lizzy

[philrose]

Thanks Sherry
I find that writing is a better healer than time. I've written so much stuff and now I'm working my way though it. I intend to put out a few books and I post here as much as anything to see how its received. I plan on putting out a couple of CD,s. I'm looking for a musician to help me turn some of my writing into songs. I'll never be famous (or good!) at either. Its just a way to heal and leave something behind for others. I find writing with honesty and depth is my best style
You always say good words about my work, as does Lizzy, and that means a lot.
This poem and several others were written when I was ready to fall and didn't care which way I did. Something I wrote along the way set me back in the right direction. The power of words
Phil

[Sherry]

"Something I wrote along the way set me back in the right direction. The power of words."

I'm very glad and relieved to hear that! Perhaps you could post that piece as well?

Sherry

[philrose]

Sherry
I'm going through my work to find out what I wrote that started my recovery. I don't know exactly what words did the trick, I just know I started to get myself back together. You're helping me discover what healing words I wrote by responding and corresponding to my work
I will be posting more poems. Although when I revisit some, its real scary, I have no idea how I got out of the mess I was in
Phil

[lizzytysh]

3. Right Speech

Right speech is the first principle of ethical conduct in the eightfold path. Ethical conduct is viewed as a guideline to moral discipline, which supports the other principles of the path. This aspect is not self-sufficient, however, essential, because mental purification can only be achieved through the cultivation of ethical conduct. The importance of speech in the context of Buddhist ethics is obvious: words can break or save lives, make enemies or friends, start war or create peace. Buddha explained right speech as follows: 1. to abstain from false speech, especially not to tell deliberate lies and not to speak deceitfully, 2. to abstain from slanderous speech and not to use words maliciously against others, 3. to abstain from harsh words that offend or hurt others, and 4. to abstain from idle chatter that lacks purpose or depth. Positively phrased, this means to tell the truth, to speak friendly, warm, and gently and to talk only when necessary.

This seems relevant for here in expressing how we feel about this area, Sherry.

I think that "real" friends don’t laugh at our expense.

With some minor, situational exceptions; overall, this is a feeling we share.

The ones that aren't the minor, situational exceptions can usually be pretty easily identified by how one feels, as the subject; or by the reaction of the one who is the subject. I really like the guidelines above. Don't adhere to all of them, all of the time, for sure... but sometimes on some of them, at least. However, they describe a clearly honourable goal and I can see where I would benefit if I did.


Love,
Lizzy

[lizzytysh]

Hi Phil ~

I like the meaning of these lines.

I know I kept emotions from you
Can't you see, in self defense, I was also keeping them from me?

I don't want to be rich or famous, just somebody with somebody holding on to me

~ Lizzy