the night was back
to kiss her lips
and satin black
he touched her hips
then silence came
to hurt her soul
her body tried
to play a role
the angel fell
as pigeons wept
the snake of love
towards her crept
she stumbled on
a frozen word
pretended song
but getting hurt
the great pretender, encore
-
peter danielsen
- Posts: 921
- Joined: Thu Jul 11, 2002 3:45 pm
the great pretender, encore
Last edited by peter danielsen on Sun Apr 24, 2005 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: the great pretender, encore
the night was back
to kiss her lips
and satin black
he touched her hips
why did he touch her hips? was this because he was attracted by the fact that they rhymed with "lips"?
the night doesn't usually kiss lips either, does it? is this meant to be an indication of a gentle sleep?
then silence came
to hurt her soul
her body tried
to play a role
if she has gone to sleep, thanks to the night's gentle kiss, then what's wrong with silence following. was she hoping instead for a really loud dream?
maybe you actually meant "the knight was back"?, then he could do the kissing and the touching.
the angel fell
as pigeons wept
the snake of love
towards her crept
what angel? where does he come into the story at all? pigeons are terribly romantic birds of course, way better than those sissy doves, but they are most famous for shitting on people and making them weep. I didn't know the pigeons themselves wept.
oooh, now "the snake of love", could that be a willy-reference??!!
she stumbled on
a frozen word
pretended song
by getting hurt[/quote]
what does any of this last verse mean?
nice to see you again, Peter. but this really doesn't work. I seem to remember you wrote song lyrics rather than poetry. and that is a less demanding form, but even so this is close to adolescent gibberish.
regards
c2
to kiss her lips
and satin black
he touched her hips
why did he touch her hips? was this because he was attracted by the fact that they rhymed with "lips"?
the night doesn't usually kiss lips either, does it? is this meant to be an indication of a gentle sleep?
then silence came
to hurt her soul
her body tried
to play a role
if she has gone to sleep, thanks to the night's gentle kiss, then what's wrong with silence following. was she hoping instead for a really loud dream?
maybe you actually meant "the knight was back"?, then he could do the kissing and the touching.
the angel fell
as pigeons wept
the snake of love
towards her crept
what angel? where does he come into the story at all? pigeons are terribly romantic birds of course, way better than those sissy doves, but they are most famous for shitting on people and making them weep. I didn't know the pigeons themselves wept.
oooh, now "the snake of love", could that be a willy-reference??!!
she stumbled on
a frozen word
pretended song
by getting hurt[/quote]
what does any of this last verse mean?
nice to see you again, Peter. but this really doesn't work. I seem to remember you wrote song lyrics rather than poetry. and that is a less demanding form, but even so this is close to adolescent gibberish.
regards
c2
-
peter danielsen
- Posts: 921
- Joined: Thu Jul 11, 2002 3:45 pm
nice to see you too critic2:
the night was back
to kiss her lips
and satin black
he touched her hips
"why did he touch her hips?
was this because he was attracted by the fact that they rhymed with "lips"?"
- maybe we could understand "night" as a symbol of the ambiguous character of her emotions concerning his return
-I thought it would be nice to use a word that displayed dynamic duality between the back and the front. we all notice the double sence, I. to be back=return, II to be back=the opposite side of her. The two first lines could then convey her own personal experience. He (which could mean some dark secret of he past or some surpressed emotion of her subconsiousness) is back to confront her. The con-frontation is expressed symbolically by her lips
-Now why did "he" touch her hips? Maybe hips could be understood in more ways than just a descriptive way. Description in poetry is fine, but in my opinion it becomes real interesting if the descriptive side of the word also offers an abstract meaning. The abstraction does not destroy the description, if it did the text would become chaotic and meaningless. Abstraction rather offers an explosion of meaning potentiality.
-but why her hips then. Hips could be seen as a symbol of womanhood. This figure from the past touched her right on the spot of her role as a female. As we shall see there is a connection later on in the song
"the night doesn't usually kiss lips either, does it?"
-well lets follow this argument for a second:
"...but you see that line moving through the station, I told you I was one of those"(lc) lines are not persons are they"
"this waltz with its very own breath of brandy and death, dragging its tale in the sea"(lc) Waltz is a musical tempo 3/4, it does not have breath of brandy does it, it does not have a tale, does it?
"the moon is swiming naked..."(lc) the moon doesnt usually swim, and not naked either does it?
then silence came
to hurt her soul
her body tried
to play a role
"if she has gone to sleep, thanks to the night's gentle kiss, then what's wrong with silence following. was she hoping instead for a really loud dream?"
-The silence that came could be the experience a lot of woman have had that their lovers(including myself) tend to be very silent after sex. This I am told is very hurting to most woman. However her body tried to play a role. Some feel it is important to play a role in life, actually most people feel anxiety if they dont have any role to play.
-notice the dynamic tension between the hurt soul and the trying body.
"is this meant to be an indication of a gentle sleep?"
-I was saw an imitation of a gentle sheep done by a fox
the angel fell
as pigeons wept
the snake of love
towards her crept
"what angel?
where does he come into the story at all?"
Well you have to do some work yourself on this one. What or who does the fallen angel symbolize in jewish-christian tradition. Come on now critic, you know this one, you must try harder.
"pigeons are terribly romantic birds of course, way better than those sissy doves, but they are most famous for shitting on people and making them weep.
I didn't know the pigeons themselves wept."
-maybe not on the other hand is there "a shoulder where Death comes to cry"
-the dove is sometimes symbolizes that spirit. maybe thats why they weep.
oooh, now "the snake of love", could that be a willy-reference??!!
-yes again snake is a common symbol of the same person or reality which is also symbolized as a fallen angel
she stumbled on
a frozen word
pretended song
by getting hurt[/quote]
"what does any of this last verse mean?"
the lyrics shoul have been
She stumbled on
a frozen word
pretending song
but getting hurt
-the word can convey song
or it can be merely descriptive, thus lacking the abillity to transcend the subject-object structure. A word which only describes and pretend to be objective, is actually pretentious.
the night was back
to kiss her lips
and satin black
he touched her hips
"why did he touch her hips?
was this because he was attracted by the fact that they rhymed with "lips"?"
- maybe we could understand "night" as a symbol of the ambiguous character of her emotions concerning his return
-I thought it would be nice to use a word that displayed dynamic duality between the back and the front. we all notice the double sence, I. to be back=return, II to be back=the opposite side of her. The two first lines could then convey her own personal experience. He (which could mean some dark secret of he past or some surpressed emotion of her subconsiousness) is back to confront her. The con-frontation is expressed symbolically by her lips
-Now why did "he" touch her hips? Maybe hips could be understood in more ways than just a descriptive way. Description in poetry is fine, but in my opinion it becomes real interesting if the descriptive side of the word also offers an abstract meaning. The abstraction does not destroy the description, if it did the text would become chaotic and meaningless. Abstraction rather offers an explosion of meaning potentiality.
-but why her hips then. Hips could be seen as a symbol of womanhood. This figure from the past touched her right on the spot of her role as a female. As we shall see there is a connection later on in the song
"the night doesn't usually kiss lips either, does it?"
-well lets follow this argument for a second:
"...but you see that line moving through the station, I told you I was one of those"(lc) lines are not persons are they"
"this waltz with its very own breath of brandy and death, dragging its tale in the sea"(lc) Waltz is a musical tempo 3/4, it does not have breath of brandy does it, it does not have a tale, does it?
"the moon is swiming naked..."(lc) the moon doesnt usually swim, and not naked either does it?
then silence came
to hurt her soul
her body tried
to play a role
"if she has gone to sleep, thanks to the night's gentle kiss, then what's wrong with silence following. was she hoping instead for a really loud dream?"
-The silence that came could be the experience a lot of woman have had that their lovers(including myself) tend to be very silent after sex. This I am told is very hurting to most woman. However her body tried to play a role. Some feel it is important to play a role in life, actually most people feel anxiety if they dont have any role to play.
-notice the dynamic tension between the hurt soul and the trying body.
"is this meant to be an indication of a gentle sleep?"
-I was saw an imitation of a gentle sheep done by a fox
the angel fell
as pigeons wept
the snake of love
towards her crept
"what angel?
where does he come into the story at all?"
Well you have to do some work yourself on this one. What or who does the fallen angel symbolize in jewish-christian tradition. Come on now critic, you know this one, you must try harder.
"pigeons are terribly romantic birds of course, way better than those sissy doves, but they are most famous for shitting on people and making them weep.
I didn't know the pigeons themselves wept."
-maybe not on the other hand is there "a shoulder where Death comes to cry"
-the dove is sometimes symbolizes that spirit. maybe thats why they weep.
oooh, now "the snake of love", could that be a willy-reference??!!
-yes again snake is a common symbol of the same person or reality which is also symbolized as a fallen angel
she stumbled on
a frozen word
pretended song
by getting hurt[/quote]
"what does any of this last verse mean?"
the lyrics shoul have been
She stumbled on
a frozen word
pretending song
but getting hurt
-the word can convey song
or it can be merely descriptive, thus lacking the abillity to transcend the subject-object structure. A word which only describes and pretend to be objective, is actually pretentious.
My dear boy,
When o when will I get my thank you? You see how this fellow responded? You called me every name in the book when I critiqued your poems, and it was my first posts to this forum, rather a lot like your first post.
Tell me, is there some double standard here?
When o when will I get my thank you? You see how this fellow responded? You called me every name in the book when I critiqued your poems, and it was my first posts to this forum, rather a lot like your first post.
Tell me, is there some double standard here?
Sound advice to all aspiring poets:
"Just experiment!" Critic2
"Just do it!" This message has been classified as spam and will be deleted by the moderators
"Maybe it will work, maybe it won't." Critic2
Wow.
"Just experiment!" Critic2
"Just do it!" This message has been classified as spam and will be deleted by the moderators
"Maybe it will work, maybe it won't." Critic2
Wow.