for c2

[Teratogen]

i'd just like to know what you personally think of these:

A Place In The Dirt

We are damned and we are dead
all god's children to be sent
to our perfect place in the sun
and in the dirt

There's a windshield in my heart
we are bugs so smeared and scarred
and could you stop the meat from thinking
before I swallow all of it,
could you please?

Put me in the motorcade
put me in the death parade
dress me up and take me
dress me up and make me
your dying god

angels with needles
poked through our eyes
let the ugly light
of the world in
we were no longer blind
we were no longer blind

Put me in the motorcade
put me in the death parade
dress me up and take me
dress me up and make me
your dying god

Now we hold the "ugly head"
the Mary-whore is at the bed
They've cast the shadow of our perfect death
in the sun and in the dirt.


The Fall of Adam

The Abraham Lincoln town cars
arrive to dispose of our king and queen
they orchestrated dramatic new scenes
for Celebritarian needs

When one world ends
something else begins
but without a scream
just a whisper because we
just start it over again.


Great Big White World

In space the stars are no nearer
They just glitter like a morgue
And I dreamed I was a spaceman
Burned like a moth in a flame
And our world was so fucking gone

But I'm not attached to your world
Nothing heals and nothing grows

Because it's a great big white world
And we are drained of our colors
We used to love ourselves
We used to love one another
All my stitches itch
My prescription's low, I wish you
Were queen
Just for today
In a world so white what else could I say?

And hell was so cold
All the vases are so broken
And the roses tear our hands all open
Mother Mary miscarry
But we pray just like insects
The world is so ugly now

Because it's a great big white world
And we are drained of our colors
We used to love ourselves
We used to love one another
All my stitches itch
My prescription's low, I wish you
Were queen
Just for today
In a world so white what else could I say?


Diamonds and Pollen

America bled to death,
Electric and pregnant
Brilliant sluts and fire worship
Devouring the righteous
We were just monkeys braiding thread,
We were golden needles,
Diamonds and pollen...

And Coma White,
A mannequeen of depression,
With the face of a dead star,
Fagged out for the corner
She was so soft in her bed
And the pomegranate Earth
Spins into oblivion

The one that trembles
The one that fears
The one that suffers
The one that vomits
The one that needs

A million scars
A million promises
A million scars
A million promises

And all your sad endings
Are planting in their garden
And they're waiting to grow
And to die like flowers do
And all your sad endings
Are planting in their garden
And their waiting to grow
And to die like flowers do...


Count to 6 and Die (The Vacuum of Infinite Space Encompassing)

She's got her eyes open wide
she's got the dirt and spit of the world
her mouth on the metal
the lips of a scared little girl
I've got an angel in the lobby
he's waiting to put me in line
but I won't ask forgiveness
for my faith has gone dry
she's got her Christian prescriptures
and death has crawled in her ear
like elevator music
of songs that she shouldn't hear
(1...2...3...)
and it spins around
(4...5...6..)
and we all lay down
some do it fast and
some do it better in smaller amounts


In the Shadow of the Valley of Death

We have no future
heaven wasn't made for me
we burn ourselves to hell
as fast as it can be
and I wish that I could be the king
then I'd know that I am not alone

Maggots put on shirts
Sell each other shit
sometimes I feel so worthless
sometimes I feel discarded
I wish that I was good enough
then I'd know that I am not alone

Death is policeman
Death is the priest
Death is the stereo
Death is a TV
Death is the Tarot
Death is an angel and
Death is our God
killing us all

she put the seeds in me
plant this dying tree
she's a burning string
and I'm just the ashes

she put the seeds in me
plant this dying tree
she's a burning string
and I'm just the ashes


The Speed of Pain

They slit our throats
Like we were flowers
And our milk has been devoured
When you want it, it goes away too fast
Times you hate it, it always seems to last
But just remember when you think you're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me

And I... I want to outrace the speed of pain
For another day

I wish I could sleep
But I can't lay on my back
Because there's a knife for everyday
That I've known you

When you want it, it goes away too fast
Times you hate it, it always seems to last
But just remember when you think you're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me

And I... I wan to outrace the speed of pain
For another day

Lie to me, cry to me, give to me
I would
Lie with me, die with me, give to me
I would
Keep all your secrets wrapped in dead hair

Hope we die holding hands, always

[linda_lakeside]

Hi T-

I'm going to presume it's C2's opinion you want on these poems, not mine, right? OK.

Linda.

[Critic2]

give him, give him, Linda. c2 has 6 different murders to dispose of today, hellllllllllllllllllllpppppppppppppppppppppppppp.

later, T

c2

[paints]

My dear sweet boy,
This is a great opportunity for us! I insist you take one of Taratogen's offerings and analyze it.

Now, let's set the guide lines.

First and foremost we're going to dispense with the "letter perfect" approach. That's right, I know this will be a shock to your system, but we're not going to review this on it's "writing" merits. I know, I know, ... "it's all about the writing!". Still, we'll not be looking for the dotted i and crossed t.

Secondly, our goal will be for you to actually address the content. Again, I'm fully aware that "longing" or "soul searching" is not your cup of tea, but, after all, that is the reason we are working together. Personally, I am drawn here and to Leonard for these very reasons so it will be most interesting to hear the views of such an "expert" as yourself on these matters of the heart.

Pick one and tell us what young T is trying to say and how he might have said it better or where he says it well, and, now pay attention... why! An in depth review! Wonderful!

This is so much fun! It's almost perfect, really, we could not have asked for more!

So, tell me, which one do you want to review?

[Critic2]

hi T,

these just aren't my taste at all. if you want critique you will need to post them to a site or newsgroup specialising in song lyrics, or perhaps teen poetry. The last comment is not in any way meant to be provocative but whilst (if I had the time) I could make suggestions along the way of all your pieces here I think I would be talking the "wrong" language and so it would be of little use to you.

why don't you add a reply here or change the title to the thread to make it clear that you welcome anyone to comment. it's a shame that only Linda has so far posted to your topic.


EDIT BELOW (POPULAR DEMAND, THREATS, BLACKMAIL, WHINING ETC.)

Of course when I say "only" Linda, I mean that no other poster has joined this thread apart from the owner, the critic and her. But I take the view that Linda ia worth 3 of any other man.

regards

c2

[linda_lakeside]

Oh Hi, C2 -

What do you mean 'only' Linda has so far posted? Now my feelings are hurt, I'm going to go cry. First, welcome back (if that's really you in there -it's been quiet around here, since you've been gone).

Ah, I was going to say I must leave for the village of my birth in the morning and shan't be back for several days. I don't want you running around pretending to be me! OK?

Now that you're back, and I'm leaving, people are going to say we're one and the same! Maybe it's true. Maybe I am C2 and C2 is me. There - problem solved.

I hope you didn't get a sunburn after going out into the sunlight and all. You didn't turn to dust, I can tell.

Well, see you guys,
Linda.

[paints]

Oh dear, since when has the style of poetry stopped you? "The wrong language"? My dear boy, you have made it quite clear that you are the expert on all things written. There are so many who put much faith in your guidance. Don't abandon them now!

Or could it be that there are limits to your expertise? I don't recall you showing such restraint before, regardless of type or style, be it poem or song lyric.

Perhaps you're fatigued from your holidays. Give it a few days and come back with a rousing piece on the anguish of youth. Enlighten us!

[Critic2]

Oh Hi, C2 -

What do you mean 'only' Linda has so far posted? Now my feelings are hurt, I'm going to go cry. First, welcome back (if that's really you in there -it's been quiet around here, since you've been gone).

Ah, I was going to say I must leave for the village of my birth in the morning and shan't be back for several days. I don't want you running around pretending to be me! OK?

Now that you're back, and I'm leaving, people are going to say we're one and the same! Maybe it's true. Maybe I am C2 and C2 is me. There - problem solved.

I hope you didn't get a sunburn after going out into the sunlight and all. You didn't turn to dust, I can tell.

Well, see you guys,
Linda.

Linda, I have edited my disrespectful post. There is now not the tiniest trace of ambiguity. Goodness, even the shiniest pedant couldn't find uncertainty in my latest words above.

btw if you are me, do you think that we should do any more work tonight or should we continue watching Hof (Huf? can't remember!)? (nice to see as well as hear Hank Azaria for once).

btw when I was in Miami I did turn to dust but the maid was already there so I said "hello, pretty Lady" but she gave me the brush off.

My mate, Neil, who is Young, told me a Man Needs a Maid. But what do the young know, which is what I was thinking when I read T's writing. They know their experience so far. My boy is 18, and will soon leave college (or, rather, gymnasium as it is called in Denmark). When we discussed his Gap Year he said he wanted to live in my house in Spain and "see if he can write". Ha! I thought, what about???

A friend of mine recently attended a very expensive Creative Writing Course. He emailed me yesterday saying he couldn't begin to describe how great it was.

[paints]

Oh dear, you really didn't need to modify your post to explain in detail that my posts are not here, that I don't exist to you. Goodness sakes! I guess that PLONKED button is still now working. I'd get another computer guy if I were you.

[LaurieAK]

A friend of mine recently attended a very expensive Creative Writing Course. He emailed me yesterday saying he couldn't begin to describe how great it was.

Tooo funny!

L

[Critic2]

A friend of mine recently attended a very expensive Creative Writing Course. He emailed me yesterday saying he couldn't begin to describe how great it was.

Tooo funny!

L

you say that, but I paid for the course.

[linda_lakeside]

C2,

Well I see that you most certainly did edit your post. Now, it is the post of all posts (the good parts, at least).

Don't be ridiculous the Danish people can't say gymnasium!

How unfortunate for your friend. I mean spending all that money on a Creative Writing Course and being left empty-handed. Maybe the course was so good it just left him momentarily speachless and you will receive a draft of the sequel to Ulysses.

Hank Azaria. Now what has he to do with any of this. You watched the Simpsons? You saw a re-rerun of Mad About You? Other than that, I don't know what Hank's up to. So we can't possibly be the same person because you know something about Hank that I don't.

Neil (the Young one) is correct in that a Man Needs a Maid 'cause so do I. Everyone needs a maid. All of us. Every single one of us.

I don't think any more work should be tended to tonight. I think you should continue watching whatever it is that you're watching.

I guess that's it. Thank you for leaving me a post so that I could reply. Again.

See you,
Linda.

[Critic2]

LL, do pay attention! Hank is starring as a psychiatrist in a series called Hof, or something like that

c2

(disappearing in an indignant hof)

[Teratogen]

first of all c2, i did not write any of these selections. i posted them here solely for the purpose of finding out what you think about them. and the person who did write them is not a "youth," as much as you despise them. if you can't give me your opinions because you disagree with the style (which i completely do not understand), then so be it. but by all means, since c2 would rather watch hank azaria on television, if anyone else likes these selections, feel free to tell me so.

[Critic2]

first of all c2, i did not write any of these selections. i posted them here solely for the purpose of finding out what you think about them. and the person who did write them is not a "youth," as much as you despise them. if you can't give me your opinions because you disagree with the style (which i completely do not understand), then so be it. but by all means, since c2 would rather watch hank azaria on television, if anyone else likes these selections, feel free to tell me so.

Hi T,

your response is little odd. I don't depise them (although I feel they are very poorly written). As they are of a certain genre (which I don't like at all) I think you would be far better off with crits. from someone who is interested in that style. I would indeed prefer to watch Huff (found out the name now).

there is also a problem with the posting of many pieces at the same time. I have been surprised in the past when others have done that. It's a turn-off.

any time you post a single work of your own, regardless of genre, I would be very happy to crit.

regards

c2