Holiday Photographs

[William]

Holiday photographs.

From Badger’s End to Adlestrop was downhill, all the way,
bicycle wheels whikking in the gale and sun of light and stone.
John Rainbow’s tree was like an urgent aim and memory.
Down, down, down in giant steppes.
We took our photographs,
the wealthy evidence of stubbled Gloucestershire in every print.

[raugust7]

Hi, this is far from a long considered response, but an immediate, swiftly formulated intimation of a feeling the poem communicated; i thought it was a very lovely evocation of a lost time, tinged with a sentimental melancholia. I was intrigued by the word 'whikking," is this merely onomatopaeic, or is it a colloquial word? Or a word i have never heard before- i will shortly check my dictionary! I thought employing 'stubbled' as an adjective was a highly pertinent and moving addition to a simple but profound poem.

[Diane]

Hi William,

I really enjoy short evocative poems like this. It immediately communicates the 'feel' of your holiday.

Thanks,

Diane

[mickey_one]

Holiday photographs.

From Badger’s End to Adlestrop was downhill, all the way,
bicycle wheels whikking in the gale and sun of light and stone.
John Rainbow’s tree was like an urgent aim and memory.
Down, down, down in giant steppes.
We took our photographs,
the wealthy evidence of stubbled Gloucestershire in every print.

Good work, William. Here are a few suggestions for you to consider. The "all the way" is completely otiose. Read it without. Do you miss it? Nope and the poem runs better and faster downhill without stopping unnecessarily. It leaves the next line too long but it is better split anyway. You weaken line 3 with "like", "down and down" would be stronger. the last line is now too long and every "proof" would be a "cleverer" end carrying photos and evidence together. so now it could look like this.


Downhill from Badger’s End to Adlestrop
bicycle wheels whikking in the gale and
sun of light and stone.
John Rainbow’s tree was an urgent aim
and memory.
Down and down in giant steppes.
we took our photographs,
the wealthy evidence of stubbled Gloucestershire
in every proof

regards

mickey_one

ps move the "and" from the end of l2 to the start of line 3. that tiny change alters the pace of the poem a lot. mine is faster, the other way more reflective. both are moods I find in your piece.

[lizzytysh]

Hi William and Michael ~

William's poem:

Holiday photographs.

From Badger’s End to Adlestrop was downhill, all the way,
bicycle wheels whikking in the gale and sun of light and stone.
John Rainbow’s tree was like an urgent aim and memory.
Down, down, down in giant steppes.
We took our photographs,
the wealthy evidence of stubbled Gloucestershire in every print.

Michael's revision:

Downhill from Badger’s End to Adlestrop
bicycle wheels whikking in the gale and
sun of light and stone.
John Rainbow’s tree was an urgent aim
and memory.
Down and down in giant steppes.
we took our photographs,
the wealthy evidence of stubbled Gloucestershire
in every proof

First, though you may not say so, the same as I'm sure you like seeing my virtually emoticonless postings, I like the respectful tone of your posting and comments, Michael.

I like your ideas on revision of William's first five lines. It's punchier and each image is easier to follow and appreciate. The sun seems to shine stronger when it has its own line. I agree that the word "like" isn't needed when it really was an urgent aim, in its own way; and enough to just say so. Having "and memory" on its own line also allows greater focus on and contemplation of that aspect, the memories which made reaching that location an urgent aim.

I prefer the endlessly and quickly descending quality that William's "Down, down, down in giant steppes," gives it. When I read that I envision a much longer series of steps than I do with Michael's "Down and down" and the original just runs more clearly and smoothly as an image. It's almost as if the original is seamless and the revised is bumpy. "Down and down" also seems to 'describe' rather than 'be,' which "Down, down, down" does.

Your "We" at the beginning of the next line needs to be capitalized, doesn't it, Michael?

I have mixed feelings about the length of the last line. I understand what you mean when you break it up; yet, for me, with the shorter lines preceding it being a 'replication' of the steppes, the length of the final line seems to 'replicate' being on the flat ground now, with its horizontal expanse, as well as looking back at it all, whilst on the flat ground of 'real life' now, with the photographs being the briefer memories of what's passed.

Changing "print" to "proof" isn't necessarily preferable for me, either. It's clever, but almost unnecessarily so. In one sense, it's almost redundant to the idea of "evidence." In another sense, a "proof" is thought of as the 'interim' form of the final "print." I feel as though he's looking through pieces of paper that have just emerged from the black room, rather than the photographs [prints] that we share with friends. The word "print" also has more punch and visual clarity on the page. Proof is too soft and too close to poof, something that's about to disappear; whereas, print is stronger, it's there and imprinted... on the paper, on the memory.

[If you wanted to carry the last idea from the perspective of reenforcement, as "proof" relates to "evidence;" you might also say that "print" is the lasting 'footprint' ~ feet being what also runs the bicycle ~ the lasting footprint of the holiday.]


~ Lizzy

[William]

Thank you one,
thank you all.
William

[lizzytysh]

Well, you're welcome for my part, William... however, as I drove home and envisioned the poem, those two-word, etc. lines seemed to be very short. I was wondering, how about if the lines returned to the original, longer lengths, but with some of the minor changes intact? [I was rushing to get out of here this morning, so didn't have time to consider any alternatives beyond what I already posted.] When I revisited it just now, however, I saw that the changes made the original line lengths impossible, as they would then be impossibly long. Looking at them, as is, in the new form, the very short lines seem clunky. Back to the drawing board...


~ Lizzy

[Alan Alda]

HI William~

Is "whikking" simply onomatapoeic? Or does it have a definition? Even google came up silent...

Holiday photographs.

From Badger’s End to Adlestrop was downhill, all the way,
bicycle wheels whikking in the gale and sun of light and stone.
John Rainbow’s tree was like an urgent aim and memory.
Down, down, down in giant steppes.
We took our photographs,
the wealthy evidence of stubbled Gloucestershire in every print.

I don't understand: "...in the gale and sun of light and stone."
I've tried different stresses and even looked for maybe a typo, but it seems fragmented.
Can you explain?

I'm not a huge fan of concrete poetry or gimicky lines, but I wonder if playing around with the "steppes" aspect might be considered. (I do agree with michael that the triple "downs" don't work very well). Anyways let's see if I can play around and get the 'concrete' thing I mentioned just for fun:

John Rainbow’s tree was like an urgent aim and memory.
.....Down
........and down
............giant steppes
we took our photographs,
the wealthy evidence of stubbled Gloucestershire in every print.

Since the period after 'steppes' created a sentence fragment, I eliminated it in the example. Anyways, something kinda fun to consider. The reading of the 'stepped' lines does cause the reader to have a bit of a jarring experience, such as what it happening in the poem.

cheers,
Laurie