For L.Z. - The First Time

[seawall90]

I remember the first time
I ever heard (or heard of) Leonard Cohen,
in the Artist's studio-
The crazy Czech with the absurd
Blue motorcycle helmet (worn indoors)
Who painted in colors so dark and unforgiving
They sucked the light from a room
Even when well lit -
Drew you into it too -
The image swallowed all in its presence.
Only their titles were light, frivolous
was the accusation. But it was
just her style; to be dark and to be light about it.
Her sense of humor broke despair.

And man could she laugh, like a braying donkey that
brought rooms to silence and then more laughter,
there was no resistance to such a sound.

Anyway
The first time I heard Leonard Cohen
She had brought me to her studio under
the football stadium, laid me on her couch,
Put on a tape and proceeded to give me head.
She was eager to please, as I was to be pleased
and when I noticed anything again
It was this impossibly deep voice
Singing an impossible melody
And backup singers sweetly
And it went to the core of the matter:
"laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again".
I lay there in wonder at it all. Why did she perform for me?
Why was this man singing? And how did he know?
So she told me it was Leonard Cohen, could not believe
I'd never heard of him.
Well, I thought, we all have to hear
Truth for the first time,
At some time,
Don't we?

[mickey_one]

HI, this is pretty good with a nice rhythm. May I offer some crits on your first post here (some only post for pleasure, some are happy to receive crits.I don't yet know which you are)

The use of parentheses twice in a few lines spoils the flow a bit.

Who's the "you" in the room?


And man could she laugh, like a braying donkey that
brought rooms to silence and then more laughter,
there was no resistance to such a sound.

"braying donkey" is a cliché. You can obviously write but when I read that such an unexciting old image it felt that you may not have invested enough care . As just one alternative- "like the bastard daughter of a donkey and an hyena". (I'm not btw suggesting that suits your story at all but it does at least liven up the cliché, or "loving daughter of a donkey and a hyena", that's closer.)


"Put on a tape and proceeded to give me head"

this is the worst line, I'm afraid. Policemen "proceed in a northerly direction". She is not a prostitute or a robot, yet your words describe something mechanical. She is a lover and I suggest you find a more loving way to reflect that.



She was eager to please, as I was to be pleased
and when I noticed anything again
It was this impossibly deep voice
Singing an impossible melody
And backup singers sweetly

I really like the line above. The missing verb works very well for me. Try it with "singers singing sweetly" or singers anything sweetly and it is clear your way is very effective.


And it went to the core of the matter:
"laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again".
I lay there in wonder at it all. Why did she perform for me?
Why was this man singing? And how did he know?
So she told me it was Leonard Cohen, could not believe
I'd never heard of him.
Well, I thought, we all have to hear
Truth for the first time,
At some time,
Don't we?

an annoying "fault" of the set-up here is the capitalisation of each line (which I undo when I post poems) and the "Don't we" would be so much better as "don't we". I hear your thought as sharing not challenging as suggested by the Capital.

thanks for posting

mickey_one

[seawall90]

Thanks mickey, I think I'm more of a pleasure poster but your critique is well-informed. This poem was written all at once and as much as i like it as my rememberance of a particular moment, for it to be anything else, or even poetry, I must take care to honor the subject and the flow. I see where your points will improve the flow and impact. Thanks for taking the time.
S

[seawall90]

I remember the first time
I ever heard (or heard of) Leonard Cohen,
in the Artist's studio-
The crazy Czech with the absurd
blue motorcycle helmet worn indoors
who painted in colors so dark and unforgiving
that the canvas sucked the light from a room
even when well lit -
Drew you into it too -
The image swallowed all in its presence.
Only their titles were light, frivolous
was the accusation. But it was
just her style; to be dark and to be light about it.
Her sense of humor broke despair.

And man could she laugh, that sound, a bray that
brought rooms to silence and then more laughter.
There was no resistance to such a sound.

Anyway,
the first time I heard Leonard Cohen
she had brought me to her studio under
the football stadium, laid me on her couch,
put on a tape and quitely offered to give me head.
She was eager to please, as I was to be pleased
and when I noticed anything again
it was this impossibly deep voice
singing an impossible melody
and backup singers sweetly.

And it went to the core of the matter:
"laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again".
I lay there in wonder at it all. Why did she perform for me?
Why was this man singing? And how did he know?
So she told me it was Leonard Cohen, could not believe
I'd never heard of him.

Well, I thought, we all have to hear
Truth for the first time,
at some time,
don't we.
---------------------------

[mickey_one]

Thanks mickey, I think I'm more of a pleasure poster but your critique is well-informed. This poem was written all at once and as much as i like it as my rememberance of a particular moment, for it to be anything else, or even poetry, I must take care to honor the subject and the flow. I see where your points will improve the flow and impact. Thanks for taking the time.
S

you're very welcome and thanks for posting the new (and certainly improved) version!