Comp. poem 9 Comments welcome

[mickey_one]

Returning to the scene of the crime
Age-old mistake of the criminal's mind
Sun-filled room, floors polished high
He couldn't resist one final try.

Sightings made, rumours abound
Hot tip said he'd be around
Bobbies gathered, spot'd their greatest find
A bizzie yelled out, "Your arse is mine!"

His dodging and darting left the crowd aghast
Loudly lamenting, "Has it come to THIS??"
Opinions resounded; words burst out all 'round
From shady and arlarse to smart, legend bound!

Bottom line, now plum out of ackers
Bizzies upon him; escape he'd best make'er
The daylight robber grabbed for his pen
Scrawled his pension cheque, payable to Ken

He'd just never found the perfect disguise
Now he peered round the corner and saw those eyes
Saying "follow your bliss" - serious or a tease?
He got a good grip, slipped into the masterpiece.

Now peering down and out at the crowd
As the baffled group shouted out loud,
"Where could he have gone?", "Absolutely! A gall!"
He mused to himself, "It was the hat after all."

[lizzytysh]

Well, here we go with my own . On the second go-round of comments, "and some good lines" had been added [or included] from mickey_one.

Manna says
Needs a bit more visual glue. This is too thoughty, not enough concrety. It makes it difficult for a reader to connect. But I do appreciate the surreal, personal feel of it. A bit of wild insanity in a poem is generally a good thing. Seems to me this is a shiny night in a rain-wetted alley… Get my drift? Nonetheless, an appreciated entry.

Mickey_one says
Thanks for entering, loads of effort here and some good lines

So, "too thoughty" ~ figures . Surreal... yes, that of course was intentional. Loads of effort ~ well... gotta disagree on that. Loads of thought, yes... but scattered ones. And no serious or loads of work on it!! I liked some of my lines, too, though, Mikey. Thanks . At some point during the last week of the comp, I decided I might enter and began scribbling down various thoughts ~ in various places. NO idea how to bring them all together into a poem and, at one point, wondered if I was going to be able to bring them all together from their various, physical places into one . Sometime midday on Sunday, I decided I would write something... I had somewhere I was supposed to be at 5:00, so time was definitely short.

So, I Googled "types of poetry" and found something like 25-30 , each with examples. Well, I didn't have time to read all of the types/examples, much less decide which one I might try to apply! THAT was too overwhelming ; and I couldn't find the mythic, seminal text I was looking for titled "How To Write Award-Winning Poetry In One Afternoon" ; so, I just STARTED... looked through all my own various scrawlings and decided 'where' to begin, and then tried to piece together some of the other thoughts. As I did that, some others came to me, and then I altered some, as well. After I finished, I realized that I had kept to NO form that I'm aware of existing. The first two lines rhyming with each other, and the second two rhyming with themselves ??? How odd... AA, BB, CC, DD, etc. ~ it should be ABAB, if anything, I would think... but too late to do anything about that!! I had somewhere I needed to be.

So, I'm going to give you the background info on my poem... what my ideas were and some other comments. My REQUEST [if you care to do this] is that those of you who know about poetry [Manna/Laurie/Mikey/Mat/Pete/whomever else might care to comment] assist me in not necessarily strong-arming this into a decent poem... but giving me some direction on my doing it. By that, I mean rather than rewriting a line/lines for me, suggest a direction or tack I might take with one or several... "like be more specific with this section" or "make a transition here" ~ this way, I feel I can learn how to actually do it on my own. IF it seems that, despite your suggestion[s], I'm still not getting it, then please feel free to rephrase it for me... and I can learn by coming in the side door. The problem is that if you do it for me, initially, I'll just say, "Yeah... you're right. MUCH better!" The problem with that, however, is that whatever your change is isn't something I would have come up with on my own... and it's that process that I'm interested in developing .

My poem was basically poking fun at Liverpool Ken and the others [whoever they were] who groused about Leonard's art exhibits and other 'attendant' factors . When I saw the stated theme and photo and somewhere "daylight robber," I immediately thought of the accusations of basically "highway robbery" that had been made about Leonard's art sales and, since the exhibit openings are in the daytime, I made that connection.

I didn't want anyone to think the poem was by me [even though there are some blatant markers for that within ~ and without ~ it [like the "escape" address I made up for the poems to be sent to], I mixed it up a bit... to try to muddy those waters]. I WANTED my poem to seem like it was written by someone from England, so no one would guess it was written by me. Since Liverpool Ken was the BIGGEST complainer about Leonard's selling his art with the high prices, I decided to include him in the poem and to use some Liverpudlian terms, as though that were the setting. So, I went on the Internet to find a list and found some on Wikipedia.

"Bobbie" is, of course, a longtime term that I've known for years as being a policeman.

However, "bizzie" is a Liverpool term for policeman, as in they're generally too busy doing something else to bother with police'ing.

The Liverpool terms I used:

* bizzies - (the police) - I found the "too busy" somewhere else, in another list of terms

* shady - (dubious, unfair)

* arlarse - (mean, unfair or crafty person or act, also 'arl')

* ackers - money

* smart - (great, brilliant)

I considered putting the words in quotes, to show that they were what people were calling Leonard, but decided not to, thinking it would be too many quotes.

On the "escape he'd best make'er" ~ "make'er" is just slang for he'd best make his escape... that's more of a Southern U.S. way of speaking, so that's one marker.

The other is regarding Leonard's pension cheque/checque [my more archaic spelling "checque" on that likely showed I'm not from England, too ~ BUT, I'm also not seeing that spelling here, so maybe I opted for the more 'correct' of the two, after all]... but, the pension cheque thought came from where I posted my question to Jarkko recently regarding endings people gave for some radio broadcast regarding how Leonard would use his first one, or something to that effect. Jarkko's never responded, so maybe he hasn't seen it, or maybe just doesn't know where they can be found.

"Plum" as in "plum out" is a phrase we use here... meaning being completely/totally out of something. NO idea how it ever came to be used in that way, but it is.

"Legend bound" means Leonard is on his DEFINITE way to being a legend... he's legend bound [though... haha, it COULD mean he's bound up by his own legend... both musically and criminally] ~ I meant it as in saying someone is "homeward bound" ~ on their way home; as Leonard is on his way to becoming a legend.

I figured I'd use some terms for the Brits [with Michael the British judge] and some for the Americans [with Manna the U.S. judge]... so, if push came to shove, they could interpret terminology for each other.

So, here goes:

Returning to the scene of the crime
Age-old mistake of the criminal's mind
Sun-filled room, floors polished high
He couldn't resist one final try.

Sightings made, rumours abound
Hot tip said he'd be around
Bobbies gathered, spot'd their greatest find
A bizzie yelled out, "Your arse is mine!"

His dodging and darting left the crowd aghast
Loudly lamenting, "Has it come to THIS??"
Opinions resounded; words burst out all 'round
From shady and arlarse to smart, legend bound!

Bottom line, now plum out of ackers
Bizzies upon him; escape he'd best make'er
The daylight robber grabbed for his pen
Scrawled his pension cheque, payable to Ken

He'd just never found the perfect disguise
Now he peered round the corner and saw those eyes
Saying "follow your bliss" - serious or a tease?
He got a good grip, slipped into the masterpiece.

Now peering down and out at the crowd
As the baffled group shouted out loud,
"Where could he have gone?", "Absolutely! A gall!"
He mused to himself, "It was the hat after all."

Returning to the scene of the crime ~ apparently, this is a bad habit of some criminals... at least it's been enough in the past to have become something that can be said.
Age-old mistake of the criminal's mind ~ see above
Sun-filled room, floors polished high ~ this [though probably not sun-filled, as artwork needs to be protected from the sun... but "light-filled" wouldn't have set it as being in the daytime] was intended to describe the Goodall gallery; or, perhaps, a Liverpool gallery.
He couldn't resist one final try. ~ Leonard returns to the gallery to try to sell some more prints before he's caught.

Sightings made, rumours abound ~ Leonard's been seen here and there and everywhere, and now, rumours abound that...
Hot tip said he'd be around ~ that he'd be returning to the gallery where he'd had an Opening.
Bobbies gathered, spot'd their greatest find ~ police gathered and were ready, and sure enough, Leonard showed up; and they spotted him [though "spot" could also be considered putting "a bead" on him, or the imaginary "x" that happens when someone gets a person in their gunsight... "their greatest find" was intended to go both ways, as in he's "the greatest" of those they're after, as well as they'd been looking for and now FINALLY found him, hence a great find.
A bizzie yelled out, "Your arse is mine!" ~ I could imagine an over-zealous cop [Ken's cousin, perhaps ?] unable to resist this proclamation... and for me, the word "arse" is the same type equivalent as "dang" is for damn... yet, not really a word we use in the U.S., at least not typically so [more of my OWN disguise attempts ].

His dodging and darting left the crowd aghast ~ I pictured our elegant Leonard ducking behind people and at the edges of hallways, sometimes sliding on the highly-polished floor, as he darted from one spot to the next... people gathered at the gallery... no DOUBT shocked at this unseemly behaviour.
Loudly lamenting, "Has it come to THIS??" ~ ASTONISHED, this would be the loud lament rising up from the crowd, to see Leonard involved in this cops-and-robber chase.
Opinions resounded; words burst out all 'round ~ once again , everyone started 'arguing' amongst themselves, each having their say on whether Leonard ought to be considered a "criminal" at all.
From shady and arlarse to smart, legend bound! ~ the first two terms were the name-calling rising up from [Mmmm ] Ken and friends; and the second two from his supporters... suggesting he's been brilliant in all of this, and now here's the artwork of a legend, available for purchase... at the same time, he's bound by his legend... with its being somehow a restriction and constraint... and certainly so, when it comes to disappearing into the crowd.

Bottom line, now plum out of ackers ~ the bottom line is here he is, out of money, been on the run, needing to make some more by signing some more prints, and down to having only his pension cheque.
Bizzies upon him; escape he'd best make'er ~ the police were closing in on him, in the gallery chase and Leonard realized he'd better do something quick!
The daylight robber grabbed for his pen ~ the pen he intended to use for signing prints was now about to get another use; instead of "daylight robbing" people with another signed print, he...
Scrawled his pension cheque, payable to Ken ~ ... in his rush, the best he could do was to scrawl his signature and make his own pension cheque payable to Liverpool Ken [I wanted to get the "Liverpool" in there, but just couldn't make it fit], as a means of pacifying and appeasing Ken for his high prices, and maybe to help offset the prices, allowing Ken to buy one.

He'd just never found the perfect disguise ~ looking at the poster, we could still see it was Leonard [which, by the way, I took the poster as being a photo-shopped one, using part of the original person's face and turning it into Leonard, with some old photos... perhaps, from the BL Gallery, where Leonard seems to have opted to have some more unflattering ones of him placed].
Now he peered round the corner and saw those eyes ~ this was intended to be ironic, as the eyes in "It was the hat after all" are hardly blissful, but could be more of a way of suggesting that, "Looking at the alternatives, you might as well follow your bliss... " So, in his darting and dodging, he finds himself close to that particular drawing and noticed the look in his own eyes.
Saying "follow your bliss" - serious or a tease? ~ His bliss in this moment would be to escape the bloody police, but should he really escape from their pursuit by climbing into his own drawing?? Is his drawing teasing him with this insane thought... or is it really serious!?!
He got a good grip, slipped into the masterpiece. ~ I couldn't have Leonard losing his grip here, or he'd have fallen to the floor and not escaped, at all... so, instead, he got a good grip [on the frame] and slipped into his masterpiece [the piece that's been one of the best selling... hence the masterpiece... and the drawing of the master by the master. In the song, this whole line of losing grip and slipping into also seems to suggest, for me, dying... and, I wasn't about to suggest that in this little caper.

Now peering down and out at the crowd ~ so, now Leonard is looking out and down from inside his own artwork.
As the baffled group shouted out loud, ~ the crowd was baffled and shouting, basically "Where did he go???"
"Where could he have gone?", "Absolutely! A gall!" ~ the more concerned ones [who didn't want to see him caught] simply expressed their bafflement... whereas, those who preferred to see him tarred-and-feathered for his "crimes" were galled by his apparent escape and disappearance into nowhere.
He mused to himself, "It was the hat after all." ~ this was a rather weak ending and, yet, in a more subtle way, rather strong... I loved imagining him as not just looking out at the confused police and crowd, from safely inside his own artwork [it was of him, after all], and musing through the name of the piece itself that, it was the hat that he'd worn [in the poster] that actually WAS his perfect disguise... as here he was, again beneath his hat, and totally unseen by the rest... [his final escape would come after the gallery closed that night ].

Okay... there we have it. My thoughts attached to my lines. I would really like to make this a learning exercise/experience for me, since just the thought of writing poetry terrifies me. If anyone has any interest in doing that, I'd sure appreciate it. The 'rhythm' of this poem I've described as being "Bumpa de clunk dump a clunk de bumpa de clunka de dump bump clunk" ~ which a friend graciously [but seriously] said it rather replicated how all the dodging and darting action would be... well, wish I could take credit for at least that 'intention,' but it never crossed my mind

So... for anyone who's gotten this far... if you're interested, I welcome ALL constructive suggestions on how I might, using some Krazy Glue , arm-wrestle this into being something beyond "a shiny night in a rain-wetted alley" .

Thanks ! It all made such perfect sense to me !! Is that not the way of all 'bad' poetry ... bad bad poem... now go to the corner until I tell you to come out .


~ Lizzy

[jaked]

explainations confuse people, explain nothing

[lizzytysh]

Hi Jaked ~

I'm trying to learn here, so the explanations can be useful when that's the goal. If someone has no idea where it is I'm wanting to go, how can they help me to get there? It's like stopping to ask for directions and when they ask, "Where are you trying to get to?" and the lost person says, "If I told you, it would only confuse you."

Since you're the only one who has responded to my APB requesting help, though, perhaps you're right... as well as confused . Perhaps I could just hold a placard saying, "Going somewhere. All directions appreciated." < * seems to lack focus, though, Jaked * >


~ Lizzy

[mickey_one]

as i read it I laughed at the "bizzies", it's such soap opera Liverpudlian but as I have never lived there and only visited there once for a quick murder years ago, maybe that really is the default word for police. It's a rich local langauge but the rest of your examples would be as much at home here in London, except....."arlase" never, never heard that word before.

to answer your wish to end with respect to Ken and his home you should of course have
changed the last lline so the verse read

Now peering down and out at the crowd
As the baffled group shouted out loud,
"Where could he have gone?", "Absolutely! A gall
bladder connected to my Liverpool"

look, it's both an anatomical and geographical pun- how brilliant is that.

[Paula]

Lizzie I am really impressed I would not be able to use American slang in context like that.

Michael your mind works in wonderous way I would not have thought of making a pun on Liverpool and the gall bladder. You are wasted or you were at some point

[lizzytysh]

No wonder you haven't heard arlase, Michael. I don't know that it even exists. Perhaps, arlarse will ring a bell .

Okay... so today's poetry lesson would be: Try to work more puns and anatomy into your poetry. Right ? How I could have missed such a brill opportunity, heaven only knows. I guess because I forget about what must be included in today's lesson: For greater mileage, try stretching your terminology and phrases from one line to the next.

Thanks, Paula . Those lists don't seem to tell you what's archaic, high drama [some might say soap opera ], et al, and what's not... so bizzies may have gone out with the seventies. I must say it could get some mileage in the county where I live, though .


~ Lizzy

[Joney]

Lizzy

I loved your use of the word bizzies too and such a great word. Good effort at using English slang terms.

[Alan Alda]

This poem is riddled with what amounts to a 'foreign language' which makes the reading of it nonsensical.

Chapters of explanations (gawd no, I did not read them) do not excuse the lack of communication; straight forward communication with readers. It is clever for the sake of being clever, but no attention to the craft of poetry was involved in the writing of it far as I can tell.

I'd expect more from the resident "poetry police."

L

[mickey_one]

This poem is riddled with what amounts to a 'foreign language' which makes the reading of it nonsensical.

Chapters of explanations (gawd no, I did not read them) do not excuse the lack of communication; straight forward communication with readers. It is clever for the sake of being clever, but no attention to the craft of poetry was involved in the writing of it far as I can tell.

I'd expect more from the resident "poetry police."

L

ah, but we are all going through a "be nice to each other" period. don't worry- it will pass.

[Alan Alda]

nice for the sake of being nice?
clever for the sake of being clever?

don't tell me there is an opening for more policing positions..........

[lizzytysh]

Thanks for giving it your considered attention, Laurie. I guess the professor would have just put a big red X across it and said, "You're not here to learn, you're here to be put down."

I had no idea I was considered the "Poetry Police," but I guess that justifies your initial lack of comment, followed by your caustic ones.

So far as my poem is concerned, there actually was a point.

At least you're still able to laugh at nonsense, Michael. You did clarify earlier that you were laughing with me, not at me, right?


~ Lizzy

[Joney]

I'd expect more from the resident "poetry police."

don't tell me there is an opening for more policing positions..........

Interesting. What do poetry police do? Are they related to the Jazz police? Can you be convicted of crimes against Jazz and poetry and if so what happens, could you be locked up and forced to listen to whatever society deems is good poetry or Jazz? What's the pay like and how does one qualify? Laurie / Alan I'm not sure if you want to become a poetry police person or not? Would you be good cop or bad cop?

[Paula]

Your arlase word I have never heard of Lizzie but I have heard of lardarse!

[lizzytysh]

Hi Paula ~

Perhaps, someone was playing tricks on Wikipedia, but this was my source for arlarse:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scouse

We have what seems akin to your lardarse, except it's two words and our own spelling of arse .


~ Lizzie