Though in Pain, I had to sing
The words are slow
your body fast
I tried to leave
my broken past
So I got aboard
my sunken train
but still the darkness
chased down my pain
With nothing to do
and nowhere to go
I took to streets
I had to know
If people laughed
or if they cried
those feelings that
we try to hide
I saw but nothing
I saw no pain
the trees the wind
the midnight rain
The children that
sat in the grass
where lovers kiss
as if alas
They found a place
where they could grow
his dick to vines
her breasts to snow
And now their union
is fastened tight
my eyes are flames
I cannot fight
The urge to weep
for love did spring
and though in pain
I had to sing
Though in Pain, I Had to Sing
Though in Pain, I Had to Sing
blue sky in the velcro
my name is matt, but you can call me regis
my name is matt, but you can call me regis
-
mickey_one
- Posts: 1533
- Joined: Sun Feb 15, 2004 3:11 pm
- Location: Hello Lovely Flowers, Hello Lovely Trees
"And now their union
is fastened tight"
where do I begin? read it to yourself, feel the rhythm, re-write, emergency, EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY. look at the words one by one, I have edited it to help you,
"is"
I will happily crit. the entire poem but I won't have time for ages, and won't have internet again for a few days... oh, alright some very quick thoughts
"So I got aboard
my sunken train"
how the hell did the train sink, the driver is a complete idiot, "tracks, mate, tracks" not on the water. trains don't go on the water. this verse is ship.
"With nothing to do
and nowhere to go"
and what do you mean you had nothing to do, you have just been party to the unique event of a train sinking, couldn't you contact the media (straight after you dry your clothes of course)? and why the hell don't you just go to wherever your acquatic train was going to take you before it sodding sunk.
"I saw but nothing
I saw no pain"
hooray! so the sinking train actually saved you in some mysterious way? hooray and hurrah!
"They found a place
where they could grow
his dick to vines
her breasts to snow"
who are the perverts "they"? or is this the lovers themselves? or the grassy kids, maybe?
what does it mean, what did you think when you carefully proof-read your writing before you shared it with the public?
"The urge to weep
for love did spring
and though in pain
I had to sing"
oh hell, the pain is back. I must sympathise because I also tie my dick to a vine on alternate Wednesdays, and it bloody hurts.
by the way, what did he sing? could you please make another post soon with the lyrics? and will it include lines form the classic Frank Sinatra melody
"you're mine all mine
I would happily engage in sexual intercourse with you
but my dick is tied to a vine"
I hope this helps, now I am off to catch one of those submarine aeroplanes.
is fastened tight"
where do I begin? read it to yourself, feel the rhythm, re-write, emergency, EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY. look at the words one by one, I have edited it to help you,
"is"
I will happily crit. the entire poem but I won't have time for ages, and won't have internet again for a few days... oh, alright some very quick thoughts
"So I got aboard
my sunken train"
how the hell did the train sink, the driver is a complete idiot, "tracks, mate, tracks" not on the water. trains don't go on the water. this verse is ship.
"With nothing to do
and nowhere to go"
and what do you mean you had nothing to do, you have just been party to the unique event of a train sinking, couldn't you contact the media (straight after you dry your clothes of course)? and why the hell don't you just go to wherever your acquatic train was going to take you before it sodding sunk.
"I saw but nothing
I saw no pain"
hooray! so the sinking train actually saved you in some mysterious way? hooray and hurrah!
"They found a place
where they could grow
his dick to vines
her breasts to snow"
who are the perverts "they"? or is this the lovers themselves? or the grassy kids, maybe?
what does it mean, what did you think when you carefully proof-read your writing before you shared it with the public?
"The urge to weep
for love did spring
and though in pain
I had to sing"
oh hell, the pain is back. I must sympathise because I also tie my dick to a vine on alternate Wednesdays, and it bloody hurts.
by the way, what did he sing? could you please make another post soon with the lyrics? and will it include lines form the classic Frank Sinatra melody
"you're mine all mine
I would happily engage in sexual intercourse with you
but my dick is tied to a vine"
I hope this helps, now I am off to catch one of those submarine aeroplanes.
] posted under wrong name before, mickey_one is just me , Critic2 is when I am in particularly helpful mode .No enter function on laptop which continues to recover slowly from the notorious “Spilt Blackcurrant Incident” of 2 nights ago, so in squeezed format here goes- Matt, if you are satisfied my thoughts were all wrong then congratulations on a brilliant poem. But if you find an empty moment with nothing else to do, take your time and revise your work, all of it. And always remember, nothing pleases me more than to see a Sinner repent. Good Luck with this and future efforts. and btw don't be shy of explaining the poem, some see that as a courtesy to the critic who has taken the trouble of offering you reaction to the original work.username wrote:wow, you put why too much thought into that dude...and i use the word "thought" very liberally since your thoughts are all wrong.
Matt, I CAN'T. It's really nice of you to offer and I would love to meet you but I am busy making notes for a "shiur" this Saturday on the topic (which I thought such a good idea when I volunteered 2 months ago) "the Ten Commandments, are they compatible with the Human Rights Act?". if you have any considered views on that topic feel free to share. If you have helpful ideas about the adultery one you should leave out dicks and vines. I don't think such detail will be crucial for the discussion.username wrote:man, you are too funny
P.S you CAN board a train