Malene Arpe on Leonard Cohen, and how to save him

[Gurinder]

From this morning's Toronto Star.
You end the evening listening to LC and awake with the morning sunshine reading about him. Great start to Sunday.


A Picture and A Thousand Words

Malene Arpe on Leonard Cohen, and how to save him


MALENE ARPE

Leonard Cohen is in money trouble. Something dire about a financial advisor who perhaps absconded with his retirement savings while he was pondering the meaning of life in a monastery. He might not be destitute in a needing-public-housing-kind-of-way, but it's not looking good for the 70-year-old poet.

At a time when he should be spending his days sitting leisurely, elegantly, dignified in cafés with prettily peeling wallpaper, drinking tiny little espressos brought to him by old-fashioned waiters wearing jackets, composing autumnal poems, imparting words of wisdom to younger, hungrier men wondering how to become the next him, he has to worry about where his next suit is going to come from.

If ever anything was not right, this is it.

A man that once looked like Leonard Cohen did, who could sit on a bench like he does in this picture and not look like a parody, and who did so much good for so many women's love lives, deserves so much better. A man like Leonard Cohen should not have to worry about the mortgage, the water bill, the irritating minutiae of dreary daily life, which should be left to the rest of us, those of us who are not national-treasure poets with voices that make your underwear descend all of its own volition. Imagine Leonard Cohen looking through a Dominion or Loblaws flyer or worrying about whether he can pay to have the floorboards in his basement replaced. Ugly and impossible thoughts.

So perhaps it's time to consider giving back a dollar or two to someone whose voice, poetry, looks and languid poses have helped ease the doldrums for multitudes of Canadian women.

Is there a straight woman in this land (and abroad for that matter, and probably some lesbians, too) who hasn't at some point looked across the breakfast table, the bed, the La-Z-Boy with the TV Guide/remote-control caddy, the tool shed, the cheap golf bag, the unsightly family car, the supermarket aisle, the Thanksgiving dinner where the turkey is dry and the cranberry sauce isn't made from scratch, the laundry basket, and closed her eyes really hard for just a moment and wished, wished, wished that the man she saw there was Leonard Cohen?

Imagined that the hands she felt were Leonard Cohen's, which would surely never be clumsy, that the voice (especially the voice) she heard reciting the lists of the things the family needed at the store was Leonard Cohen's. That if Leonard Cohen were there, he would indeed take the trouble from her eyes. That if her idea of the man that is Leonard Cohen were to just ring her doorbell once and take her to exotic places and write poems about her that only she knew were about her, and which made the world wonder whom they were about, then her life could be poetry, too.

And then gone back to life with the man and the lot and the laundry she was dealt. Refreshed. Glad for a tantalizing daydream.


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Perhaps it's time to consider giving back a dollar or two to someone whose voice, poetry, looks and languid poses have helped ease the doldrums for multitudes of Canadian women
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Since the news broke that Leonard Cohen had been ripped off (and maybe by a woman. How could she? Bad, sister, bad) something curious happens when you bring the subject up.

Men will shake their heads and say something like "Yeah, too bad. He's a good writer, isn't he? I thought about becoming a poet once, but then I..."

Women, young and old alike, get a strange look in their eyes, a look of mixed emotions. As if they were thinking of gruesome puppy-mill abuse and perfect dates with perfect food and perfect sex at the same time. The women also shake their heads, but in a way indicating perfect sadness, and make a poignant sound I like to call the sound-of-a-woman-who-wants-to-keep-Leonard-Cohen-safe-in-the-hope-he-might-still-have-it-in-him-to-ravish-her-once-he's-well-again sound. I know they're all thinking of their imaginary Leonard Cohen encounter.

Mine happened when I was young and stupid and in Jerusalem because I thought some guy was tremendously interesting. And maybe I was beginning to realize that he was in fact quite the opposite. I had been listening to Leonard Cohen a lot and probably imagined I knew what he was singing about, and for just a few minutes I also thought I knew exactly what it would be like to walk in Jerusalem with Leonard Cohen.

I'd happily send him a couple of bucks for that long-ago moment, but I don't have his address; and, besides, a $5 bill in an envelope is so undignified. I'd like to send my contribution to a registered charity ("Sisters of Mercy," natch), where all the money goes toward keeping Leonard Cohen living in the manner to which he's entitled without worrying that my contribution goes astray like his retirement funds.

So I'm asking if perhaps some skilled woman, who is just now busy raising money for monkey sanctuaries or books for prisoners or bicycles for the poor or another worthy cause and who knows all there is to know about the mechanics of raising money for worthy causes, could take a minute and remember when Leonard Cohen gave her a minute of a perfect dream, and proceed to set up an account or a trust or whatever it takes.

I know that there's a woman out there who has the skills needed to help the rest of us help out an old man. I'm not good with money and tax refunds or anything involving numbers of any kind, or I would start a campaign myself.

But since it was my idea, I think it only fair that I be the one to present him with the cheque.

marpe@thestar.ca

[Tri-me]

Holy duck!!! Does this woman have a thing for Leonard or what?? The passion is very loud and clear. I wonder how he reacts to an article like this. Buy his album, buy his book, see him on tour.........I wonder if he would be humiliated or pleased to receive a cheque/donations from people. I wonder if he will make a public statement soon about the people who want to start a fund for him.

But since it was my idea, I think it only fair that I be the one to present him with the cheque.

Oh ya sister girlfriend the line starts here.

[Snow (retired)]

"I'd happily send him a couple of bucks for that long-ago moment, but I don't have his address; and, besides, a $5 bill in an envelope is so undignified . . . I know that there's a woman out there who has the skills needed to help the rest of us help out an old man."


It might not be the right thing to do. He will likely be very touched by this idea when/if he hears about it, because it is kind and unselfish - and shows that he is loved. Yet he might prefer to deal with this in his own way, as accepting money from fans could very well intimidate him. It's a delicate situation, I think. It's also complicated to send sums of money abroad without incurring huge costs that make cash transactions unattractive. The best thing to do for the time being is to tell him that help is available should it be required. No matter what happens, whether he likes it or not - he will never be deserted. Also, beware the way males are excluded from participation - and the insistence of who's to be the lucky one presenting the cheque. There's something not right here.

[Tri-me]

Also, beware the way males are excluded from participation - and the insistence of who's to be the lucky one presenting the cheque. There's something not right here.

Yes I agree with you, I wondered how the men feel when I read this. being guilty of lust myself but after that article I would be afraid of this women.

Is there a straight woman in this land (and abroad for that matter, and probably some lesbians, too) who hasn't at some point looked across the breakfast table, the bed, the La-Z-Boy with the TV Guide/remote-control caddy, the tool shed, the cheap golf bag, the unsightly family car, the supermarket aisle, the Thanksgiving dinner where the turkey is dry and the cranberry sauce isn't made from scratch, the laundry basket, and closed her eyes really hard for just a moment and wished, wished, wished that the man she saw there was Leonard Cohen?

She needs a visit from Serge Trudeau-Hurst, the lover super hero Siiiirus

[Fljotsdale]

I'm sorry - you are all so serious - but I laughed myself into stitches while reading the article!

That woman may be passionate about Cohen, but she certainly has a terrific sense of humour! I love the line:

those of us who are not national-treasure poets with voices that make your underwear descend all of its own volition.

She is a scream! Brilliant bit of writing - wish I'd written it! :jealous: I'm gonna send it to my Cohen-fan daughter. She'll love it!

I don't know if the woman meant her suggestion seriously. Probably half-seriously/half not.

It would be interesting to know if anyone takes her up on her suggestion, all the same!

Still laughing...

[~greg]

beware the way males are excluded

not a problem.

Was a woman what done this to him.

So it's the women-folk what gotta make it right.

This is simply logic, in my dreams.



Curiously, I can't offhand think of any sex-symmetric
situation from my own generation.

But the "Britney Spears" phenomena-thingy
appears to be the obvious contemporary counterpoint.

Therefore, since it was a man what done it to her,
I volunteer to lay the $5s on her.

(where I am assuming that something
has been done to her, since I last looked, since,
from the other thread in this forum, we learn
that them like that, have it to expect, and only
themselves to blame, when they dress like that.)


YIKES!
what time is it?

[Tchocolatl]

Greg, are we reading the same forum, Greg or are you talking of another one? Because I read that there is nothing wrong with Brit but with all the out-stages-clones, particularly when they have 4 years old.

Greg, let me illustrate this in a sex-symetric image : how would you like to see thousands of millions of little "Leonard Cohen" of 2 to 12 years old dressed in sombre suit, tie and sunglasses, singning in a suggestive manhood way "I'm Your Man"? Ridiculous to the utmost.

It is a question of persona and being real, Greg. Nothing else.

Well, well, well to get back to this article, it is funny in a way, but what annoyed me a bit is 1) that I like - like many female fellow fans, as far as I have understood - Leonard Cohen for much more than romantic-day-dream-that-wets-panties-thing. As he said to the interviewers in the last link I posted : I like him 'cause he always points toward the place I feel more alive. This is not only when and where I am sexually aroused. I'm sorry but "thanks G_d its not that simple in my secret life" (its easy I know but I have the excuse that it is in the spirit of the article). 2) I have the feeling that she said : pass the hat for an old gigolo with big heart that gave pleasure for free all his life, and now he has right to get rid of all the females that can not serve an aphrodisiac drink properly to their domestic darling. Well. 3) Ey! "sister"! I would not trust you with the cheque, for I have the feeling of having been stolen from my five-feet-long-style-of-writing-here-sometimes.

hum...

This said I agree with the quality of voice she finds to LC.

[linda_lakeside]

And I can serve a very nice aphrodisiac drink to my darling, whomever and where ever he may be!

Linda.

I agree with Leonard's quality of voice, also. Natch.

[tomsakic]

Britney Spears phenomena thingy

[linda_lakeside]

I've noticed, Tom, that ever since one of the poetry comps. the word 'thingy' is used in place of many, many words. Who can we blame for starting this trend, I wonder?

Linda.

[linda_lakeside]

Tchoco!

I missed your singing nun link the first time thru. What a strange story! What an ending! Now, I'm very sorry to have to say this again, but....go figure.

Linda.

[margaret]

Tchoco,

what has the singing nun got to do with Britney Spears

[tomsakic]

The word "thingy" is more or less solved, but actually I don't understand ~greg's reference to Britney at all

[margaret]

I think greg is referring to the fact that many women have fantasies about Leonard Cohen, and the nearest equivalent for males is to dream of Britney Spears

[tomsakic]

I'd agree at least about Britney. I don't know why's she so much hated (except because of her sometimes irritating presence in public life, but that's nothing compared to Madonna or that Beckam's wife). Otherwise she's quite attractive, great looking, and her songs are pleasant pop. Consider only Toxic, that's great. If you say she's the "nearest equivalent for males", I am glad somebody finally admits it. Most girls I know say she's looking like American cowgirl from the country.