The Gardener
Upon exiting the library at school,
I bore the cold and sat upon a concrete bench.
There by the freshly cut grass I met a
gardener who I have spoken to on a few occasions.
I had seen him out there through the window
of the library, hoping I wouldn't have to talk to him.
I have nothing against the man,
I just did not feel like talking.
He had said to me before that he recognized me
at the drug store I work at, but of course,
I did not recognize him, as I see many people every day.
We exchanged a few words to establish a conversation
as I pulled out a cigarette.
He trimmed the bushes and flowers, this unnamed,
unknown gardener that knows me.
I told him I was tired, and I was, becuase
sporadically in the middle of reading Oedipus the King
I dozed off. But Oedipus is still the son and husband
of Jocasta, and if only Polybus knew.
He said, "Yeah, but you gotta do it, man."
I smiled and agreed with a nod of the head.
"Get a better paying job. Gotta do it, man."
I wanted to tell him this was my last semester,
that I would most likely not be getting one of those
jobs he was speaking of.
I wanted to tell him, as I frightfully and nervously
tell many others, that I wanted to rather
fulfil my aspirations of becoming a rock star,
or at least a musician (with the benefits, of course).
I wanted to tell him, but I didn't.
He is just a gardener.
I pondered his words and the situation,
took another puff, bore the cold.
If only he knew my dreams.
"Gotta do it," he said again,
as he turned around to clip the bushes.
The Gardener
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Teratogen
- Posts: 1653
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The Gardener
Last edited by Teratogen on Tue Dec 07, 2004 12:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
I am unsure about the deliberate spelling mistakes in 3 consecutive lines of the first verse. Obviously you are illustrating that this is a child who still has much to learn at his school library but some readers could mistakenly think you just didn't put enough care into your writing.
This was otherwise a simple but quite sweet piece actually. My advice is to turn it into a film starring Peter Sellers (although he might still be dead, check first). Get it directed by Hal Ashby (also check availability).
Good Luck!
This was otherwise a simple but quite sweet piece actually. My advice is to turn it into a film starring Peter Sellers (although he might still be dead, check first). Get it directed by Hal Ashby (also check availability).
Good Luck!
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tom.d.stiller
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Getting there is half the fun; being there is all of it!Teratogen wrote:sorry, is "being there" a film? a poem? or both?
Cheers
Tom
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tom.d.stiller
- Posts: 1213
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- Location: ... between the lines ...
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I think the concept/scene is a strong one. Initially, too long for my tastes, and I felt it was too prosaic. Perhaps you could experiment with a more clipped style eg.
Exiting the library at school,
I bore the cold and sat upon a bench.
There, by the freshly cut grass,
I met a gardener
(The line after this doesn't make total sense to me - if he first 'met' the gardener on this occasion, how is it that he has spoken to him on several occasions? Unless he simply 'met with' the gardener, or 'ran into' him perhaps...)
I'd seen him through the library window,
had hoped I wouldn't have to talk to him.
Nothing against the man;
I just didn't feel like talking.
He had said he recognized me
from the drug store where I work
("I didn't recognize him as I see many people every day." - But you'd seen him from the window? Surely you knew him as the gardener?)
We exchanged a few words
as I pulled out a cigarette.
He trimmed the bushes and flowers,
this nameless gardener who knows me.
I told him I was tired. It was true -
while reading Oedipus the King
I'd dozed off repeatedly.
But Oedipus is still the son and husband
of Jocasta, and if only Polybus knew.
He said, "Yeah, but you gotta do it, man."
I smiled and nodded.
"Get a better paying job. Gotta do it, man."
I wanted to tell him
this was my last semester,
I wasn't likely to get
one of those jobs he spoke of.
I wanted to tell him, as I nervously
tell others, that I want to be
a rock star,
or at least a musician (with the benefits, of course).
I wanted to tell him, but couldn't.
He's just a gardener.
I pondered,
took another puff, bore the cold.
If only he knew my dreams.
"Gotta do it," he said again,
as he turned around to clip the bushes.
----
There's some ideas anyway. Hope they're of some help!
Exiting the library at school,
I bore the cold and sat upon a bench.
There, by the freshly cut grass,
I met a gardener
(The line after this doesn't make total sense to me - if he first 'met' the gardener on this occasion, how is it that he has spoken to him on several occasions? Unless he simply 'met with' the gardener, or 'ran into' him perhaps...)
I'd seen him through the library window,
had hoped I wouldn't have to talk to him.
Nothing against the man;
I just didn't feel like talking.
He had said he recognized me
from the drug store where I work
("I didn't recognize him as I see many people every day." - But you'd seen him from the window? Surely you knew him as the gardener?)
We exchanged a few words
as I pulled out a cigarette.
He trimmed the bushes and flowers,
this nameless gardener who knows me.
I told him I was tired. It was true -
while reading Oedipus the King
I'd dozed off repeatedly.
But Oedipus is still the son and husband
of Jocasta, and if only Polybus knew.
He said, "Yeah, but you gotta do it, man."
I smiled and nodded.
"Get a better paying job. Gotta do it, man."
I wanted to tell him
this was my last semester,
I wasn't likely to get
one of those jobs he spoke of.
I wanted to tell him, as I nervously
tell others, that I want to be
a rock star,
or at least a musician (with the benefits, of course).
I wanted to tell him, but couldn't.
He's just a gardener.
I pondered,
took another puff, bore the cold.
If only he knew my dreams.
"Gotta do it," he said again,
as he turned around to clip the bushes.
----
There's some ideas anyway. Hope they're of some help!
-
Teratogen
- Posts: 1653
- Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2004 11:09 pm
- Location: Santa Clarita, California
- Contact:
when i said "met" i meant, "ran into."
the first time i did meet this gardener he said he recognized me from where i work. but i didn't recognize him because i see a lot of people every day that i easily forget. this occasion that i wrote about was sometime after our first meeting. but, as i was leaving the library i saw him outside through the window, clipping the bushes.
as far as the trimming goes... i don't care for it. what you wrote was almost exactly the same thing i did, leaving out a few words that i think made the poem what it is. it's little things that often make a poem. and i'm sorry you don't like reading long poems. this isn't even that long. i bet you just HATE epic poems.
the first time i did meet this gardener he said he recognized me from where i work. but i didn't recognize him because i see a lot of people every day that i easily forget. this occasion that i wrote about was sometime after our first meeting. but, as i was leaving the library i saw him outside through the window, clipping the bushes.
as far as the trimming goes... i don't care for it. what you wrote was almost exactly the same thing i did, leaving out a few words that i think made the poem what it is. it's little things that often make a poem. and i'm sorry you don't like reading long poems. this isn't even that long. i bet you just HATE epic poems.
Well.... I tend not to read them.
Or, if we're talking Chaucer, I don't really think of it as a poem when I'm reading it.
Sorry you don't like the trimming - only a suggestion, as I said. I am simply off the 'less is more' persuasion, and most of what I cut out was what I found redundant (ie. you could say the same thing in less words).
But you're right that it's the little things that can make a poem, and we are coming at it from different angles.
Cheers!
Or, if we're talking Chaucer, I don't really think of it as a poem when I'm reading it.
Sorry you don't like the trimming - only a suggestion, as I said. I am simply off the 'less is more' persuasion, and most of what I cut out was what I found redundant (ie. you could say the same thing in less words).
But you're right that it's the little things that can make a poem, and we are coming at it from different angles.
Cheers!
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Teratogen
- Posts: 1653
- Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2004 11:09 pm
- Location: Santa Clarita, California
- Contact:
i don't disagree completely with your views of "less is more," jack. sylvia plath, robert frost, e. e. cummings, gwendolyn brooks, and even walt whitman (among so many others) have some very good poems that are short and sweet. even the general sonnet is fairly short, and lord knows there are many, many great sonnets. but i tend to write everything once, and i hardly make any changes. i use words that i feel fit in. even if something is redundant. that could possibly mean that it is said more than once, sometimes in a different way, to tell the reader that this line or this phrase or this idea is important.
well chaucer, homer, milton, eliot... i never read that stuff as poetry anyway. but i have read epic poems that rhyme, and it is quite interesting to read it as poetry. kinda takes the wind out of you. haha. but what about ginsberg? "howl" is quite a long poem, but i never ever get tired of reading it, from beginning to end. i think everything there is relevant. or even whitman... you are familiar with "leaves of grass," correct? i have not had the chance to read the entire thing, but i've read sections of it, and even some of the sections are quite lengthy.
well chaucer, homer, milton, eliot... i never read that stuff as poetry anyway. but i have read epic poems that rhyme, and it is quite interesting to read it as poetry. kinda takes the wind out of you. haha. but what about ginsberg? "howl" is quite a long poem, but i never ever get tired of reading it, from beginning to end. i think everything there is relevant. or even whitman... you are familiar with "leaves of grass," correct? i have not had the chance to read the entire thing, but i've read sections of it, and even some of the sections are quite lengthy.