Rough Sax

[hophead]

ambushed

by that Judas nightfall

cascading down upon me

in a velvety rain

I shake my fist, and

shout obscenities

flaunting my bankrupt etiquette



somewhere in the distance

I hear an angry saxophone

lamenting its misfortunes

there are no rousing choruses

no joy filled ditties

just blame and sadness

[fishfishquaileye]

ambushed

by that Judas nightfall

cascading down upon me

in a velevty rain

I shake my fist, and

shout obscenities

flaunting my bankrupt etiquette



somewhere in the distance

I hear an angry saxophone

lamenting it’s misfortunes

there are no rousing choruses

no joy filled ditties

just blame and sadness

what is "velevty"? It does sound a little like "velvety", are they by any chance related? As to "lamenting it's misfortunes", would that be it's grammar you have in mind, it's spelling, or it's inability to understand the use of the apostrophe ?

FISH

flaunting his etiquettal bankruptcy

somewhere in the distance I hear an angry pedant

[hophead]

Do you need a job as a proof reader?

[fishfishquaileye]

Do you need a job as a proof reader?

I am currently unemployed so that would be very welcome thank you. When do I start?

[lizzytysh]

at last, you went right passed the obvious, fish... and past right by:

the title

and then...


nightfall

cascading down upon me
. . .

an angry saxophone

lamenting it’s misfortunes

. . .

no rousing choruses

no joy filled ditties


So much I anticipated in what I expected to be a rewrite... and here you get a proofreader job and I give you your first assignment .


On a serious note, hophead, I really like your phrase "flaunting my bankrupt etiquette." Such a great description of "shake my fist, and

shout obscenities" I also like the feeling of loneliness, desperation, and desolation in your poem, contrasted with velvety rain.

[fishfishquaileye]

hairy-bushed

by that Jew, does the knight fall?

castrating down upon me

in a vevlety pain

I shake my milk, and

sprout obscenities

flaunting my bankrupt trousers



somewhere in dis stance

I hear a sexy telephone

tormenting, it's Miss.Fortunes

there are no browsing crocuses

no milk filled titties

just fame and Loch Ness

[Geoffrey]

I shake my fist, and
shout obscenities

you bellowed filthy expressions that violate accepted standards of sexual morality; with raised voice you broadcast a tirade of perverse utterancies one associates with the sick mind of a deviant, inexcusably dirty and embarrassing language offensive to the ears of decent people, in all likelihood appertaining to genitalia, body fluids and other such lewd smut - that's what you did, my son. "the mouth speaks what the heart is full of," said the lord.

[hophead]

hairy-bushed

by that Jew, does the knight fall?

castrating down upon me

in a vevlety pain

I shake my milk, and

sprout obscenities

flaunting my bankrupt trousers



somewhere in dis stance

I hear a sexy telephone

tormenting, it's Miss.Fortunes

there are no browsing crocuses

no milk filled titties

just fame and Loch Ness

if whiskey were wisdom
the applause would still ring
the masses ecstatic
o'er the songs I would sing
if whiskey were wisdom

if whiskey were wisdom
the scars would not show
the years of dissent
would be but a glow
if whiskey were wisdom

if whiskey were wisdom
the seduction would linger
my companions, many
not one, pointing a finger
if whiskey were wisdom

if whiskey were wisdom
the taunting would stop
my heart would stop bleeding
I would drink one more drop
if whiskey were wisdom

[hophead]

I shake my fist, and
shout obscenities

you bellowed filthy expressions that violate accepted standards of sexual morality; with raised voice you broadcast a tirade of perverse utterancies one associates with the sick mind of a deviant, inexcusably dirty and embarrassing language offensive to the ears of decent people, in all likelihood appertaining to genitalia, body fluids and other such lewd smut - that's what you did, my son. "the mouth speaks what the heart is full of," said the lord.

Well, to be fair, I was raised a Catholic...

[fishfishquaileye]

I shake my fist, and
shout obscenities

you bellowed filthy expressions that violate accepted standards of sexual morality; with raised voice you broadcast a tirade of perverse utterancies one associates with the sick mind of a deviant, inexcusably dirty and embarrassing language offensive to the ears of decent people, in all likelihood appertaining to genitalia, body fluids and other such lewd smut - that's what you did, my son. "the mouth speaks what the heart is full of," said the lord.

There is no way that the Lord would end a sentence with a preposition, so I am sorry to say Geoffrey but I feel that the quotation is not authentic.

[lizzytysh]

I like your 4 responding verses and your Catholic comment, hophead ~ you're doing well here with all the senselessness.

[Geoffrey]

There is no way that the Lord would end a sentence with a preposition, so I am sorry to say Geoffrey but I feel that the quotation is not authentic.

jesus might have been a clever bastard when it came to skipping over ponds, transforming tapwater into sparkling claret, making cripples roll up their mattresses, sawing women in half and pulling rabbits out from hats - but when god handed out literacy i'm afraid he was at the back of the queue. he was no man of letters, wouldn't have known a preposition if he was pissing on one. why do you think he didn't write anything? take a butcher's here at matthew 12:34, you doubting thomas:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?se ... ersion=NIV

[Marisha]

There is no way that the Lord would end a sentence with a preposition, so I am sorry to say Geoffrey but I feel that the quotation is not authentic.

jesus might have been a clever bastard when it came to skipping over ponds, transforming tapwater into sparkling claret, making cripples roll up their mattresses, sawing women in half and pulling rabbits out from hats - but when god handed out literacy i'm afraid he was at the back of the queue. he was no man of letters, wouldn't have known a preposition if he was pissing on one. why do you think he didn't write anything? take a butcher's here at matthew 12:34, you doubting thomas:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?se ... ersion=NIV

when was tennis first mentioned in the bible? prize of 1 banana to first person who answers correctly.

[Geoffrey]

when was tennis first mentioned in the bible? prize of 1 banana to first person who answers correctly.

well, verily i say unto thee that i am not sure. the disciples could often be heard making a racket, but none of them had any balls.

[Marisha]

Very good effort from a non-scholar of the Book. It is of course when Moses served in Pharaoh's court.