Last Train To Barcelona

[sarah35]

Last Train To Barceona

Green suited lizards lounging in the shadows of
the bougainvillea
drunk and listless in the June heat,
We sat in the cool of the bar
Meeting you
was like being hit by a train,
I was hit by a train
The Barcelona express
seven hundred tons of bronze and steel
Screaming through the foyer of the Hotel Alimara

[Sideways]

Last Train To Barceona

Green suited lizards lounging in the shadows of
the bougainvillea
drunk and listless in the June heat,
We sat in the cool of the bar
Meeting you
was like being hit by a train,
I was hit by a train
The Barcelona express
seven hundred tons of bronze and steel
Screaming through the foyer of the Hotel Alimara
And I have been tumbling arse over bollix
ever since.

I don't know if anything is salvageable from this to make a decent poem, but your absolute priority should be to delete the last 2 lines and pretend that a hacker inserted them in your piece without you noticing. Whatever mood you were aiming for, wistful, lovestruck, massive crush, the ending is cheap and horrid. Reaching for a crude and easy phrase like "arse over bollix" is a betrayal of any effort that went into the rest of the piece.

[sarah35]

point taken, it was a long time ago and the bollix was him

[Sideways]

another thing, Sarah. the capitalisation at the start of your lines seems to be random. seven doesn't make it but And does?