One Night Stand

[Red Poppy]

" may also have been laboring under another illusion.
I have been imagining jimbo as an old man.

If he isn't, it would be different."

greg that is one statement you DO need to explain.

How and why would it be different?
What constitutes an "old man" (which in some places is slang for a penis!)?

[~greg]

How and why would it be different?
What constitutes an "old man" (which in some places is slang for a penis!)?

hummm. that is curious

Well.

Much the same difference as between
a red poppy and a blue puppy,
I shouldn't wonder.

Early one morning back when I was still knee high
to a yard stick, I awoke only to find my
dog's tongue cemented to the cold kitchen floor
(like Excalibur thrown back in the lake)

But then me dear ol' pappy, bless his sneezes,
never neether neither red nor blue,
but always violetly independent ,
instantly produced for me a brand new dog
and right away and I was near as good to go again
as ever I would be.

Oh, me dear ol' pappy!

~~
see, I'm an old man (dickhead).
That's the difference.

[Manna]

I haven't responded to the poem because I couldn't make sense of it without making about 84 assumptions. But I don't mind playing with it a bit.

She wanted me!
Oh she wanted me`!
I walked into her
Striking eyes,
She flirted with everyone,
Still looking on me,
She shuffled.she rubbed
,she touched

The opening repitition is unnecessary. Drop first line. Does "I walked into her striking eyes" mean what it sounds like, that he was walking and was caught for a moment by something in her eyes? Maybe something beautiful, but we don't know yet, or does it mean that he walked into her and gave her a black eye? The punctuation - I don't need to cover. If punctuation had been left out altogether, it may have been moresensible, because I wouldn't be looking for/reading for sentences. The "I walked into her" can be dropped. She shuffled? Shuffling sounds to me like evasive behaviour. Shuffling is like when your dad says, "Why in hell did you do that?" and you look down at your feet and mumble something and watch your feet shuffle around. If she rubbed, then obviously she touched. So here's where we are:

Oh, she wanted me!
Striking eyes flirted
with everyone
she rubbed against me

We danced
exchanged scents
persperations mingled
We parted with
a Deep French Kiss
You can have me
Anytime ,
She wispered.
your nice,
Id had enough
i went to bed
Rolled a joint.
stripped naked
And stood gazing
at the full moon Rising
Just like me......

You can't possibly part with a deep french kiss. It isn't a parting, it's a coming together. You could part with a kiss, or share a deep french and then part, but parting with a deep french kiss doesn't work, especially since she continued to talk to you after that. That and some other fairly minor editing can make this more interesting and believable. It also might be nice to foreshadow here that this relationship isn't about love.

I danced with her scent.
You're nice, she whispered
she circled me like a buzzard
anytime and she flicked
those eyes toward the bedrooms
I went up, rolled a joint
stripped naked
stood and gazed
at the full moon rising

If the only reason you had the moon here was to say that you were "Rising" like it, then I think it should also come out. The moon is generally a romantic image, but we're not doing romance here. We're f*cking, eh? I think it was almost clever to say you were rising like the full moon, kind of a backwards play against romance. But it's too folded over itself to come across. Actually, the more I talk about it, the more I like it. So I guess I don't know. It might be enough to insinuate rising with the way I have it above. But whatever you do DO NOT put rising as a single-word-line. The "stood" is insinuating as well. I think we'll get it.

I waited .
i knew she would come,
door tapped.
she peeped inside,
smelt my smoke,
and said slyly:
ill have some of that!
And some of you
for my dessert!!
Not a problem" said I.
As I ran for
the unlocked door
Forgetting I was naked
And at half mast,

You pretty much told us that you were waiting in the last stanza. Telling us again here is like, no duh. So is "I knew she would come." Rather than "slyly" describe her facial expression or the way she walked. The thing about the door isn't interesting. Neither is half-mast. I know you're writing about unsexy sex, but the little things along the way to make it unsexy should be more subtle.

a tap on the door
she smelt my smoke
wiggled toward me
her face a near-smirk
she took my J
closed her eyes as she pulled
her nose was crooked
she flicked the roach
I stomped it out

also, this door locking business seems to imply some intimacy. I don't think intimacy belongs here.

Door locked.
no Formalities.
Mini skirt. over Her head,
Burying my head.
Tasted sweet.un washed,
Back arched,
Legs eagle spread,
she took me.
she took me,
my lance buried ,
in her cold cement,
like Excalibur'
One thrust.
She took me.

again, just some tightening to keep it interesting. I'm giving this just a once-over, and not being particularly careful to make suremy own punct. is consistent or sensible.

Mini skirt over her head
no formalities
I buried my head
in her unwashed taste
legs spread buzzard
she took me she
took me she took
my lance buried
in her cold cement

[jimbo]

Ilike all that you are saying here and will have to print out all of it to see if i
can make my poem attempt of a night of lust four years ago.better.
concidering i wrote it in 10 minutes flat....................

and i am James aged 48 young or old, she was 25.

I am learning word processing /copy and paste/etc
so my writings will be more organised from now on.

and Idont take the piss out of any body.

[mickey_one]

Ilike all that you are saying here and will have to print out all of it to see if i
can make my poem attempt of a night of lust four years ago.better.
concidering i wrote it in 10 minutes flat....................

James, now you have me worried. The Offical Time Ratio of writhing to writing is 1-10, so let me work it out, hold on I'll be just a minute..

[Jimmy O'Connell]

I like what Manna has done, jimbo. Yes type it up again. Try and tighten up the spelling and punctuation, the grammar is important only insofar as clarity of who is whom and when is past or present or hopeful future.

From my own point of view, or experience, I discovered that when I had the simple punctuation etc etc clear it helped me to "see" both the poem and the emotion more clearly and brought the themes into sharper focus.

Another "learning" for me was that, and I do think this is important, it doesn't matter who the "I" in the poem is, or what I am trying to say the "I" in the poem doesn't necessarily have to be the poet. You say you are 48 and she was 25. But in many ways the poem is not about you, it's about the experiencing "I" of the poet... the artist.

So... another reading of this poem would be: this poem is not about your personal sexual encounter, but about sexual encounter, and what that implies and means.
I think much of the debate so far about the poem is missing a point, that is, the one I make above. This is not about jimbo's sexual life, as interesting or controversial as that may be. This poem about a sexual encounter which jimbo, as artist, as poet, is reflecting on. Whether the act happened as you say, in the way you say is, from a certain, artistic point of view, irrelevant. What is more important is the poetic/artistic experience of a One Night Stand (Capitals being very important and to the point).

As I say, I am only pointing you in a direction which comes from my own way of trying to be an artist/poet. It may not be your way, but you have to become a journeyman, in order to become a master of your trade. Yeats was always on about this particular point.
Poets Know Your Trade.... (I am Capitalising for effect). But I agree with Yeats, and I believe his teaching is sound. We do have a duty as poets and artists to learn the trade of poetry. And the tools of our trade are the words we use, the punctuation, the grammar, the spelling. Anyone who says these things don't matter is a bad and dangerous teacher.

Poems must be well made.


Jimmy

As you can see... I have recovered from my late night bout of cyberdramming and have promised my (present) Muse (I don't know who is more fickle, me or Her) to drink only from Parnassian streams....!!!!

[mickey_one]

Mini skirt over her head
no formalities
I buried my head
in her unwashed taste
legs spread buzzard
she took me she
took me she took
my lance buried
in her cold cement

much as I love my old mate Greg, I don't always have the time to read his long posts in detail, but I saw an old Irish gentleman refer to some question by Greg of whether the lady in the story was a pro.

In order to clarify the position (which still seems to be Jimbo on top) we could change the last lines to read

"my freelance buried
in her cold cement".

well done for taking the time Manna. what we have achieved here by critique is a determination by Jimbo to work at his poetry. despite attempts to divert the process we have shown the forum at its best.

good luck with the writing, James. thanks for ticking the box for maturity, independence, and willingness to learn. don't let anyone else speak for you.

[Manna]

Once I'm invested, it's really hard to not take ownership. I played some more.

tiny, black eyes flirted
she approached intoxicated
rubbing her way around

I danced into her soggy scent
you're nice, she whispered
still circling me like a buzzard

anytime, and she flicked
those salivating eyes
toward the bedrooms

I went up, rolled a joint,
stripped and stood gazing
at the moon on the rise

a tap at the door and she dipped
into my smoke, her face a near-smirk
she slogged over, took what was left

and pulled with her eyes closed
I saw her beak was crooked when she
pulled the mini skirt over her head

no formalities, I pushed my face
to her unwashed taste
spread buzzard on the bed

and dripping she took me she
took me she took my pushes
between cold, dark feathers

[Red Poppy]

despite attempts to divert the process we have shown the forum at its best."

Would that be the Royal we or just the wee we that is thee, mickey?

"good luck with the writing, James. thanks for ticking the box for maturity, independence, and willingness to learn. don't let anyone else speak for you."

And this, from the person who was looking for spokespersons for jimbo behind every nom de plume!

Two faces, three faces, four faces....how much am I bid?

[mickey_one]

despite attempts to divert the process we have shown the forum at its best."

Would that be the Royal we or just the wee we that is thee, mickey?

"good luck with the writing, James. thanks for ticking the box for maturity, independence, and willingness to learn. don't let anyone else speak for you."

And this, from the person who was looking for spokespersons for jimbo behind every nom de plume!

Two faces, three faces, four faces....how much am I bid?

no, "we", that would be Manna and I, (because i was replying to her post), both of us having offered crit. and Jimmy as well because he offered crit. Obviously it wouldn't be you because you have offered nothing.

I don't understand your nom de plume bit. I was looking and finding "spokesmen" and I have suggested to Jimbo not to heed them. Do you spot an inconsistency there? If you now understand your misunderstanding, here would be an understandable cue for a little apology. but if you can't manage that then I will understand, because I am an understanding sort of guy.

Faces? Read Rainer Marie Rilke's "faces". I think it might help you.

Red Poppy, you're struggling and it's no fun to see you, a professional writer, so far out of your depth. your replies to me are neither fun nor logical. this thread just hasn't worked out for you.

So, I won't play with you any more, but I am not going to throw you a lifebelt either. whether you now blow bubbles or paddle gracefully to the shore is up to you, mate.

I look forward to seeing you on another thread on a different subject. internet spats are of no significance in the real world.

regards

michael

ps when you earlier posted "But thank you thank thank you for all the time and effort you put into it (I thought it was by choice but I may be wrong?), we are grateful in the extreme." what sort of wee was that?

[Manna]

Would that be the Royal we or just the wee we that is thee, mickey?

where I come from, wee we is a term that also means pee. Where you come from, "mickey" is sometimes used in place of piss. Therefore I took this as taking such.

[Red Poppy]

"If you now understand your misunderstanding, here would be an understandable cue for a little apology. but if you can't manage that then I will understand, because I am an understanding sort of guy."

Does that mean something or is it just more of your circumspect evasion-speak?
I fancy the latter.

"Red Poppy, you're struggling and it's no fun to see you, a professional writer, so far out of your depth. your replies to me are neither fun nor logical."

Would it be fun if I were a messenger or a butcher or a mechanic? Interesting how my profession seems to feature as a regular barb of yours (God help us) and how you (the friend of the downtrodden) seek to use it against me when it suits. But, alternately, when it suits, you're the self-appointed expert in literary, legal, human and moral matters.

Interesting, too, how you've set yourself up as the final arbiter of what is "fun" and what is "logical" - oh the weight of that responsibility.

Am I surprised to see that good old mickey has become the more stolid "Michael?" No,I''m not, time to call in the cavalry of a less flippant nom de doom.

"internet spats are of no significance in the real world."
Thanks for telling me that, mate. Without your say-so I'd never have come to the realisation!

One of the few things that interests me about your postings is the fact that you run with the hare and hunt with the hound, must be a tiring (or you'd say tiresome) business.

The thing is, your assumed nonchalance and bonhomie can't disguise a massive superiority complex. It really is a pity your arrogance keeps getting in the way of your humility, mate.

As you say, Rilke had it on the button about faces:
"I have never been aware before how many faces there are. There are quantities of human beings, but there are many more faces, for each person has several."

But then he also wrote:
"Who has not sat before his own heart's curtain? It lifts: and the scenery is falling apart........."

[Jimmy O'Connell]

I wish to declare that as of now, I am offically out of this thread.

Jimmy

PS...
Seemingly I'm congenitally unable to leave without a final final final riposte:

Lads, let's get back to the real issue...

POETRY

[Red Poppy]

Sorry to see you go Jimmy, will miss your Synge-Macdonagh-esque-isms.
Michael-mickey-mate, sorry if I hurt your feelings, I didn't realise you had any.
I leave you with a thought for the day:
"The higher up the monkey climbs,
the more folks see of his behind."

[Birdonawire]

Jaffa Cake anyone?