A nostalgic story of music, young love, and childhood cruelty from Leonard Cohen's A Ballet of Lepers (Grove Atlantic, October 2022).
I waited until I was certain Polly would be home from school and then I ran up my street toward her house. When I reached her driveway, I could already hear her wooden flute. I could have stayed there and listened to all the music I wanted, but I walked on into her backyard. She was seated deep in a large garden chair, her head back, her eyes closed, and the instrument held high and lightly against her lips. I listened for another moment until she heard me. She opened her eyes and stopped playing, but she didn’t remove the wooden flute from her lips.
“You here again? What for this time?” she buzzed.
“Same as before. To hear your wooden flute.”
“It’s not a wooden flute,” she said, with great contempt. “It’s a recorder. Can’t you remember that? Recorder. I’ve never even heard of a wooden flute.”
“I could have stayed in the driveway without you ever knowing and listened to you play,” I told her, hoping to impress her with my honesty.
“Well then, why didn’t you?”
“I don’t know. I thought it wouldn’t be fair.”
“Well, you know what you have to do if you want to come around here.”
Polly always spoke to me that way, as if she didn’t like me and I bothered her. But I knew that I was practically her only friend. When we went to grade school, we always walked home together. She was three grades ahead of me, and now she attended the junior high and she always walked home alone. She dropped the instrument into her lap and tapped it with her fingers as she spoke.
“Let’s see. What’ll I make you do today for your song? What did I make you do yesterday?”
“I had to find out how many somersaults could be done from one end of the lawn to the other.”
“Yes, I remember. And how many were there?”
“About eighteen. I forget exactly.”
“You forget! Do you think I set these tasks for nothing? You just better find out again how many there were.”
“Now? Right away?”
“Right away, if you ever want to hear another note of music.”
I walked to the garage wall. She didn’t turn around to watch me. I kneeled down and somersaulted past her to the edge of the lawn, and then returned to where she was sitting.
“Eighteen.”
“That’s what you said in the first place,” she reminded me.
“Will you play now?” I asked, brushing my clothes with my hands.
“That was yesterday’s. You’ve still got to do today’s. And I haven’t decided what today’s will be yet.”
“Please decide, Polly,” I said solemnly, wondering if the music was worth the humiliation after all.
“All right,” she said, “I want a bouquet of dandelions. Eighteen dandelions so you won’t forget the somersaults. And the bunch has to be tied up with red string. A bouquet of dandelions, that’s what you have to get for today.”
And she folded her arms on her chest. I remembered seeing a cluster of dandelions when I had kneeled beside the garage. I picked seven there. Across the fence, I saw some yellow flowers among the bushes, but I discovered that they were chrysanthemums.
“Not chrysanthemums,” Polly called at me. “Dandelions. Can’t you remember?”
The sky was getting dark. I knew that soon I could be called for dinner.
“Seven wouldn’t do, just for today?” I asked feebly.
Polly didn’t even answer. I took a shortcut across a few fences to the field beside the Layton’s. Sheila, a girl in my class, was playing there by herself.
“Sheila,” I cried, “help me gather some dandelions.”
“What for?” she asked, following me from flower to flower.
“I’ve got to get a bouquet for something. Hurry, please.”
Sheila was unsatisfied with my answer, but she ran off and returned with a handful of the precious blossoms.
“Here,” she said. “Now tell me, what for?”
“Tomorrow,” I said, snatching them from her and running off.
“Okay for you,” she called after me.
I was halfway back to Polly’s when I remembered the red string. I raced to my own house where I knew there was some on the kitchen table.
“Oh, are those for me? How nice,” my mother said.
“No, no,” I spluttered, “but I’ll get you a bouquet soon, I will.”
“That’s all right. What do you want? A glass to put them in?”
“Just a piece of red string to tie them up with,” I said, getting what I wanted from the kitchen drawer.
Polly smiled when I approached.
“Eighteen,” she said, after counting them. “Very good. All right, what do you want to hear?”
“’Alas, my love’. . . . Same as yesterday.”
“You mean ’Greensleeves.’ ’Lady Greensleeves.’ Can’t you remember anything?”
Polly adjusted her position so that she couldn’t see me. I lay on my back, looking up at the darkening sky. Then the music began. Sky, leaves, garage, grass, everything seemed to lean on us as if the music were a thin powerful wire, pulling everything together. I closed my eyes. Polly played the song through a few times and then started to play her own song. She entered into her own tune, so softly that I hardly realized she was no longer playing “Greensleeves.” Yes, the somersaults and flowers meant nothing, and Polly was right in asking for them. No, I just couldn’t sit by her anytime and have her play for me. Some gift had to be made. Raindrops fell on my face, but I waited until I could feel them through my shirt before opening my eyes. Polly stopped playing and looked at me as if I were responsible for the rain.
“We could go into the garage,” I suggested quietly.
Polly got up and opened the small garage door and disappeared inside without motioning me to follow. I heard the music start again. “Lady Greensleeves.” I entered and closed the small door behind me. It was very dark and smelled of oil and last year’s leaves, some of which I crushed underfoot. I could barely make out Polly, who was sitting on some old crates and leaning against the damp wall. I sat down a few feet from her. The music was much louder in the garage. It filled up the stone room like a flood. I could hear nothing but the song and the rain against the small high windows of the sliding door. After a very few minutes, she stopped playing and announced that I’d better go home now because she was putting the recorder away and because she’d had enough of me anyway. I opened the door for her, and we both went out into the yard. It was raining very lightly. She put the instrument under her blouse to protect it.
“Will the rain hurt it?” I asked, trying to show interest and gratitude.
“’Will the rain hurt it, will the rain hurt it?’” she mocked. “What do you think the rain will do? Help it? Turn it into gold?”
“I guess not,” I said, and she began to mount the stairs into her house.
“Thank you, Polly,” I called after her. “Can I come tomorrow?”
“Aren’t you ever going to leave me alone?”
The next day she wouldn’t see me at all. As soon as I came into the yard, she went into her house. I went over to the field beside Layton’s. Sheila was there, playing with her skipping rope.
“More dandelions?” she sang out.
“Nope,” I said, as she came over to me.
“You promised me you’d tell me what they were for.”
“I didn’t promise, but I’ll tell you anyhow,” I said, happy to recount the experience. “It was so Polly would play the wooden flute to me.” And I told her about the dandelions and the rain and the garage.
“Well, if that’s the way she treats people, it’s no wonder she doesn’t have any friends.” Still, Sheila was interested, and she asked if maybe she couldn’t come along one afternoon.
“We can try tomorrow,” I said, immediately sorry for my words because I knew it wasn’t a thing that should be shared. Besides, I thought that Polly would be angry.
The following afternoon, we presented ourselves to Polly. As we were turning into the driveway, we could hear the music and Sheila wanted to stay right there and listen to it without any trouble, but I would hear nothing of this. Polly was seated as usual in her wooden chair. She stopped playing as I approached.
“I brought a friend. This is Sheila,” I said to Polly.
“Hello, Polly,” Sheila said.
“I hope you didn’t bring her here for me to entertain the both of you. I’m not an organ-grinder. You alone are bad enough,” she said to me, ignoring Sheila altogether.
But I could see that Polly was actually flattered that I had brought her another spectator. I wondered what she would make the both of us do.
“Do you like music, Sheila?” Polly asked, lightly prodding her in the stomach with the instrument.
“Well, yes, I like it, I guess.”
“You guess. Did he tell you what he had to do?”
“You mean about the somersaults and the dandelions? Yes, he told me. I helped him pick some of them.”
“You helped him pick some?”
She leaned towards me. “You little cheat. You didn’t tell me anybody helped you.” I said that I didn’t think it mattered. “Of course it matters, you’re just a cheat. Well, you’re not going to get away with anything this time if you want to hear me play.”
“What do you want us to do?” I said, looking at Sheila, who, I thought, must be sorry she had come in the first place.
“Let me see,” Polly said, sinking back into her chair and looking at the two of us.
“Here, Sheila, let me see that skipping rope.”
Sheila handed it to her. Polly got up and tied one end around my waist and the other end around Sheila’s waist so that we were bound about a foot from one another. We were both too curious to protest.
“Now just wait a second,” Polly said, and ran up the stairs into her house. She returned with some newspaper which she began to roll up. “Have you a handkerchief?” she asked me.
I gave her my handkerchief and she blindfolded Sheila. “Hey, what is this?” Sheila cried.
I assured her that nothing bad would happen and she submitted. The fact is we were both fascinated by the whole ritual.
“Now the idea is,” Polly said, placing a roll of newspaper in each of Sheila’s hands, “the idea is that when I start blowing, you start bashing him with the newspaper and you don’t stop until I stop blowing.” And she said to me, “You must keep your hands in your pockets.”
I watched Polly. She looked at me as she removed the mouthpiece from the instrument and put it to her lips. She blew hard and it sounded high and harsh. Sheila brought one roll lightly down on my shoulder. Polly stepped very close to Sheila and blew the mouthpiece right beside her ear. She began to squeal and rain blows down on my head and shoulders. Polly never took her eyes off me during the whole thing. Then the whistle stopped, but Sheila didn’t, and I had to catch hold of both her hands. I seemed to be the only one at all upset. Sheila was grinning, and Polly seemed satisfied.
“Will you play for us now, Polly?” I asked.
“The garage. In the garage,” Sheila whispered to me. Polly heard.
“So, you told her about that too? You don’t know anything about secrets, do you?” Polly strode to the garage door and pushed it open. “All right, you two. Get in, if you want to.”
We followed her, and I closed the door behind us. There was the same damp autumn smell and it brought back to me the afternoon two days past. I could hardly wait for the music to begin. I wondered if it would be the same with Sheila there. Polly took her old seat and Sheila and I settled ourselves a little distance away. The music began and soon it filled the whole garage, overwhelming me. It called into our stone room the vast night from the other side of the world. I reached for Sheila’s hand. As soon as my fingers touched hers, she took my hand between both her hands and pressed it against her mouth. Then she leaned against my shoulder and kissed my cheek. I wanted to join my voice with the flute’s. I held her close against me. I knew no afternoon we would ever spend would be as beautiful as this. In the week that followed, we visited Polly almost every day. And every day, we submitted ourselves to the humiliations Polly had prepared. Soon, I hardly knew whether I came for the music or the secret embrace which the music and the darkness allowed. There was no such division on Sheila’s mind.
“Why do we want to put up with all her nonsense for?” she said. “We could meet without her, in your garage or mine?”
But I wasn’t at all ready to give up the music and Sheila knew it was no use arguing with me. So, we continued to visit Polly, always careful to show her the greatest respect. She suspected nothing. She thrived on us. She never spoke except to give us a command or call us down. Although she knew nothing of our movements in the dark, she seemed to sense how much we needed her, or at any rate, how much I needed her. Arrogant as she became, I was ready to do whatever she willed. One afternoon, our task involved finding a broken yo-yo, which Polly had hidden at the bottom of one of the garbage cans underneath her back steps. Sheila refused to assist me as I removed each soaked, smelling package. Polly didn’t seem to mind. I had to turn away from the search several times to prevent myself from retching. I finally found the toy.
“It’s about time,” Polly said.
Sheila was disgusted with me, and I felt terribly degraded myself. I didn’t know what to say.
“You’d better wash your hands before we begin,” Polly ordered me.
When I returned, we took our places in the garage. Polly began her music, and when I felt that she was caught up with it and knew that her eyes were closed and her heart part of the sound, I drew Sheila towards me. And with the damp bricks ringing, the oil glistening in dark rainbows, and the leaves softly splintering under my tapping shoe, we loved with all our eleven-year-old passion. Sheila was not so affected by the atmosphere. I was her real interest, and this afternoon, she was bolder than she had ever been. She began to tickle me in the ribs.
“Careful, careful,” I barely whispered in her ear.
“’Careful, careful,’” she mocked, brushing my cheek with her lips. Then she kissed me loudly on my nose.
“Sheila, Sheila, she’ll hear us,” I whispered desperately.
And then suddenly, we were both of us laughing out loud, unable to contain ourselves, exhilarated by our impudence. The music stopped abruptly. Polly ran across the garage and switched on an electric light I had never noticed. Sheila and I were still in each other’s arms. In a second, Polly understood the deception we had practiced on her the past week, how we had used her to excuse our embraces and why we had so cunningly endured her insults. And in her deep humiliation and pain, with both hands she pressed the flute across her eyes and sank to a sitting position in the oil and dirt of the floor of the garage, her body trembling.
“You two. You two,” was all she could manage.
“Oh, Polly,” I began, kneeling beside her, not knowing what to say. “Start again, please start again. This time we’ll really listen, won’t we, Sheila?”
Sheila walked to the door of the garage and opened it. With one hand, Polly pushed me away using as much strength as she could muster. I followed Sheila out of the garage.
“You two!” Polly screamed after us.
“No wonder she has no friends,” Sheila said, as she walked down the street. “No wonder she has to walk home alone.”
But I was not prepared to discuss the awful thing that had just happened, and after I had made an appointment to meet her the next day after school, I walked home for dinner. Sheila and I met in my garage, as we had planned the day before. She had arrived before me and had arranged some boxes for us to sit on. I sat down, and she put her head against my shoulder and squeezed my hand.
“Now we’re all by ourselves,” she whispered.
It seemed so pointless, the two of us sitting there in that half-lit garage, our slightest movements and whispers echoing the silence back to us that I could hardly sit still.
“What’s the matter?” she asked. “Don’t you like me still?”
“Course I like you. It’s just that I can’t stay, that’s all. I have to do something for my mother. We’re having company, and I have to go downtown and pick up some flowers for the tables,” I lied.
“Well, why didn’t you tell me yesterday?”
“I didn’t remember yesterday.”
And I fled from the garage, leaving Sheila pouting in the darkness. As I walked up the street, I wondered what I would say to Polly, and what she would say to me. I lingered for a few minutes in the driveway, listening to the music, then I walked to the backyard. She was sitting, as usual, in the wooden chair. She looked up at me and continued playing. I sat down on the grass, not far from her. When she had finished her song, she said, “You know, I had to remove all the garbage and then put it back to hide the yo-yo in the first place.”
“Oh, Polly,” I said, full of compassion. “I never thought of that. Wasn’t it terrible?”
She didn’t answer. She got up from the chair and stood behind me. I didn’t know what she was going to do. She kneeled down behind me, put her arms over my shoulders and held the wooden flute before me. The sun on the varnish made it look like gold.
“Want to learn?” she asked me quietly, guiding my fingers on the instrument.
From A Ballet of Lepers by Leonard Cohen (Grove Hardcover, out October 11, 2022). Copyright © 2021 by Leonard Cohen Family Trust.