Auschwitz..60 years on..

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bee
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Post by bee » Thu Feb 03, 2005 6:04 am

Dear Elizabeth, sorry for not getting back to you, just can't turn on my computer, something has happened. Till the time I'll get a new one or something will be hard to get online,
take care, love
bee
bee
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Post by bee » Sat Feb 05, 2005 5:46 am

Dear Elizabeth- I wrote a long post to you and than it all went down together with my dear computer, but now somehow I've managed to fix it.
I don't want to repeat what I've said to you, just something.
I think it would be fare to say that we all are acquainted with loss. Still, it is different every time, when it happens.
I am sure you already know that, but it helps a great deal to talk to some people, who were friends with the person you've lost. As more you talk and remember from all sides, as less it seems so horribly impossible to let it all go.
At one point you will have to realize with such soberty- which hurts the most- that never again you'll meet them. I keep missing some people still almost every day- but it does not hurt as much anymore. Acceptance has come, as it comes with many other things, we wish had never happened.
Love
bee
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lizzytysh
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Post by lizzytysh » Sat Feb 05, 2005 7:58 am

Dear Bee ~

Thank you for your caring. Yes, this is true what you say, on the sharing of loss with those who knew them. Nothing can compare. It's my reason for being away from here so much. When I thought nothing in this world could stop me from coming here; I've found that those whom I loved, being taken from this world, has turned me to those who knew them, for most of my grieving. It's what matters most right now.

Love,
Elizabeth
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lizzytysh
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Post by lizzytysh » Sat Feb 05, 2005 8:25 am

Dear Tchocolatl ~

Yes, the steps of the grief process. I'm glad to know and recognize them as they arrive like cloaked beings. I've relived the scenarios a hundred plus times, bargaining with G~d for different endings. I've begun to realize ~ deep down ~ how this is truly to no avail. Nothing will ever be different. I've begun to move past these visualizations.

A commemoration and remembrance of their lives, as well as their passing, at the one-month mark, brought my first moments of feelings of peace.

I've barely been able to listen to anything beyond my own thoughts. Trying to rearrange my own reality as I have, the quiet of concentration has seemed so integral and necessary. A surreal kind of unarticulated, thought process of belief that, "If I rethink it enough, it will have to change. I'm not as powerless or helpless as I feel. I will effect a different outcome."

Thank you for your caring, that I know is real, Tchocolatl.

Love,
Elizabeth
bee
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Post by bee » Sat Feb 05, 2005 8:47 am

Darling, it is quite understood.
I lost some 12 years ago a dearest friend to my heart since highschool Marite. She had a brain tumor and passed away in 2 month. I had a premonition about it some years ago, and a dream- I knew at the bottom of my heart that we'll part soon. But when it happened- I was angry at God and people and myself. She was only person I ever really saw was radiating light. Much later I did realize that she was an angel indeed and she went back were she came from. To go trough with the pain was an other thing. Than I started to talk with a friend of Marite's-Astrid, which I found before so boring and not worth talking too much, but after Marite's passing away, Astrid became to me like a most important person, because she was the one who knew the amount of my grief- she had the same. She visited me last summer, and we talked now about the times we've suffered so much, however this time it was light, and easy. We both felt the light coming down to us without any suffering no more, Marite was among us, but in such a different way.
Astrid told me, that she was having that peculiar feeling sometimes when she was visiting the cemetary, that she would go there like she was going to meet Marite there, and was very dissapointed when she wasn't there, as if Marite was being late or missing an appointment. That feeling for her was so intense that she was picking up the phone to call her, than realizing how crazy it was.
I had similar things happening to me, I can't say- I am compleately at peace with this, I still miss her, I just wish she's lived and enjoyed having all she dreamed about... but than again, it was not my decision. I have to be in peace with it, but even now, while I'm talking to you about it- it is starting to hurt again and I wish- she was here.
Elizabeth, have them friends over as much as you can.
love
bee
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lizzytysh
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Post by lizzytysh » Sat Feb 05, 2005 9:27 am

Yes, Bee, exactly. The lack of need to describe 'who' and 'how' they were, and how immeasurable the immenseness of the loss, because they just already know ~ and truly know ~ is an element of that comfort. The way we live on is through other's memories. Every sharing of a memory keeps them, somehow, that moment longer. I used to drive the 20 miles for a cup of Cherie's and Cathleen's coffee and comfort. Now, I drive the 20 miles for comfort in their absence.

With my friend, Lilly, I read the pages from a journal of hers, from which her father read at her memorial, and then kind copied for me, when I requested it. As I read them, I can hear her voice and laughter, and see her face, expressions, and body language. A couple of the things we had even talked about.

I'm so sorry to hear about your losing your friend, Marite. I know so well what you mean when you speak of her radiating light. What Astrid described speaks so well to how the mind tries to find its own way out of the grief, as it works to help its counterpart, the heart.

Yes, you grieve, as well, all that they lost in the cutting short of their lives.

Love,
Elizabeth
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Post by bee » Sun Feb 06, 2005 12:06 pm

Lizzy- strange thing is, I can talk and share love and memories for the person gone, but I still can't look at the photo's or videos of Marite, or read letters of my mama, or even to look at her photo too much. Only the photo's where she was young.
I often wonder- why is that?
Love
bee
Tchocolatl
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Post by Tchocolatl » Sun Feb 06, 2005 6:24 pm

I do really care. Grief, mourning, is a natural process that leads to serenity, but it can be truly hard and painful at some steps, freezing. The only things I know that sooth, smooth, heat and ease the process is the warm provided by other human beings. Here I do my best to send it through the "machine" to both of you, and I wish you a lot of warm exchanges.
***
"He can love the shape of human beings, the fine and twisted shapes of the heart. It is good to have among us such men, such balancing monsters of love."

Leonard Cohen
Beautiful Losers
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