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SWITZ
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Post by SWITZ » Wed Mar 30, 2005 2:01 am

Right ho..!! Jeeves
SWITZ
Posts: 165
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Location: SEATTLE, WA

Post by SWITZ » Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:03 am

Its been awhile and I would like to explain that everything where I work is done in caps....well used to work as after three years of working for a paranoid multiple personality drug addict was really eating me up. He was always trying to sneak up on me. So when Lizzy scolded me for being on the computer one day I just cracked up laughing..... :D

Andrew suggested that I work on this poem as he said its a very strong subject matter. I find reworking some poems to be exhausting yet I find strength and inspiration in what someone once asked Gordon Lightfoot, "How do you come up with all these songs ?" where he replied, "I just sit down and do the dirty work". I don't feel its quite complete yet but I would like to thank Andrew for giving me a nudge.


Unmade Beds


After several years my children returned
like covered grass they stood before me
tall, pale, eyes blinking at the love shinning from my eyes
each slipped easily into my lap to be held
with outstretched arms waiting to be scratched
little Rosie spun around and around in a
beautiful red dress
her face smiling towards the sky
We danced, sang and laughed
a brief two days
and now standing in the doorway waiting to take them
I hear a shadow say, "I love you"
in whispers the children can not hear
in a moment their voices are gone
and as I walk through the house now
I see where their busy hands have been
puzzles, drawings, drinks, partially eaten bread
and unmade beds that I can not touch.
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lizzytysh
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Post by lizzytysh » Mon Sep 25, 2006 5:13 pm

This:
working for a paranoid multiple personality drug addict
would seem to explain this:
everything where I work[ed] is done in caps....
He was always trying to sneak up on me. So when Lizzy scolded me for being on the computer one day I just cracked up laughing.....

I must have been channeling him, as I am NOT the one to be scolding people for being on the computer :wink: !

I remember this poem 8) and am curious as to the changes you've made. Might you bring it in its original form closer to its revised version?

Glad you're out of that job :) .


~ Lizzy
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linda_lakeside
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Location: By the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea..

Post by linda_lakeside » Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:45 pm

A very good poem, Switz. A lot of love in there.

Linda.
LaurieAK
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Post by LaurieAK » Mon Sep 25, 2006 10:58 pm

Three things to consider:

1) Your "covered grass" analogy doesn't make sense.

2) Stating the children are "tall" and then telling your readers that they "slipped easily into my lap" is creepy. If they are young enough for the lap sitting don't tell us they are "tall." Of course after jumping through hoops, this reader insinuated they were 'taller than last time you saw them,' but calling them tall just doesn't work with what you are saying.

3) "blinking at the love shining from my eyes" is an unbelievable statement. Don't make you readers mis-trust you.

okay one more thing....

"...waiting to be scratched" ----- What?!!??!

There is a difference between reality of life and the reality of a poem. The poem is suffering from too much "life reality" right now. I think....

Really, Andrew is the expert, ultimately, listen to him.

regards,
Laurie
SWITZ
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Location: SEATTLE, WA

Post by SWITZ » Tue Sep 26, 2006 3:01 am

Lizzy you really do not want to channel this guy...!! :shock:

Thank you Linda :)





Craig
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tom.d.stiller
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Post by tom.d.stiller » Sun Oct 01, 2006 8:11 am

It's not the content alone that makes a poem, but it's the details, and that's where this attempt definitely falls short.

Laurie's remarks are to the point, but I want to add a remark on the line breaks: They don't constitute a pattern, they're arbitrary. Artbitrary linebreaks, however, usually indicate that we're rather facing a 'stanzified piece of prose' than an attempt at poetry.

Write prose when you want to write prose, and return to poetry when your mind is set to poetry.

(Aside: I'm well aware that my own attempts mostly fall short, but that won't keep me from telling my mind.)

Cheers to all

tom
LaurieAK
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Post by LaurieAK » Sun Oct 01, 2006 9:13 am

Dear tom~

Hmmm. Now I am puzzled. I thought from the pointed non-response to anything I said meant that my post was invisible to everyone but me. Frankly, I found it to be humorous. But YOU can see it (and even seem to find some validity to my words)??!! I am glad to see my words are not invisible to all. In fact, if anyone around here could see them, I am glad it was you, my friend.

Regards (and cheers to only tom),
L
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Kush
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Post by Kush » Sun Oct 01, 2006 11:29 am

Laurie....
Really, Andrew is the expert, ultimately, listen to him.

Tom....
...but I want to add a remark on the line breaks: They don't constitute a pattern, they're arbitrary. Artbitrary linebreaks, however, usually indicate that we're rather facing a 'stanzified piece of prose' than an attempt at poetry.
I often find Andrew's poems to be a 'stanzified piece of prose'. This is not necessarily a criticism - I often find Neruda's poems to be a stanzified piece of prose with seemingly arbitrary line breaks.

Consider...

I love
all
things,
not because they are
passionate
or sweet-smelling
but because
I don't know
because
this ocean is yours
and mine:
these buttons
and wheels
and little
forgotten
treasures
fans upon
whose feathers
love has scattered
its blossoms
glasses, knives and
scissors-
all bear
the trace
of someone's fingers
on their handle or surface
the trace of a distant hand
lost
in the depths of forgetfulness.
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Boss
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Location: Treblinka

Post by Boss » Sun Oct 01, 2006 11:39 am

Switzy,

I wouldn't give a toss what any acerbic expert says. They sit safely on the sidelines. No sweat from their brow.
It's a bloody good little poem; like Linda said there is
A lot of love in there
Your kids are lucky

Boss :wink:
LaurieAK
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Post by LaurieAK » Sun Oct 01, 2006 11:57 am

Hi Kush~

My comment, which you quoted, was in direct response to SWITZ's remark that Andrew had asked him to persue this subject matter.

I thought he failed miserably in creating a poem and posted specific things I thought pointed out some of the problems. It was whole heartedly ignored.

Andrew is in the field of education in this genre. If he thinks Switz's poem is even remotely 'good' I'd be very surprised.

I'm not even going to address line-breaks. (But agree with tom). It is like saying: "This meal is so awful, and the portions are so small." Line-breaks are the least of the probs with this thing, um I mean poem.

L
p.s. Boss, the poem has nothing to do with his kids. It's only about the author, which is one of the problems with it.
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Kush
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Post by Kush » Sun Oct 01, 2006 8:47 pm

Hi Laurie...I thought you made some decent points in your first post. Atleast points 1 and 2. I disagree with you on 3.
But my specific issue was Tom's point re' line breaks and prose as poetry and I perhaps mistakenly coupled that with your quote about Andrew who to my mind often puts down prose as poetry. Just string out any of his poems as a paragraph and you'll see.
But so does Neruda who to my mind is the greatest poet ever for his thoughts alone.
And all this is from someone who is totally untrained of course.


p.s. I agree with you on the "scratched" point too whoch is presumably item # 4 on your list. I think SWITZ should thank you for all the items you send him.
LaurieAK
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Post by LaurieAK » Sun Oct 01, 2006 11:55 pm

Hi Kush~

Line breaks are pretty much that 6 million dollar question.
What is a poem?

Personally, I end up thinking that Everything I have ever written and tried to pass off as a poem could be horizontalled (I think I made that word up) out and turned into prose.

There are specific housekeeping things you can do with linebreaks that are intrinsically "poetic": Rhyme (of course), by syllable count, by creating a dramatic pause between words with a linebreak, or using the break to emphasise meanings of words (or point out an irony), or to create natural speaking rhthym, or even to cause a certain visual of the poem to appear as a whole on the page, etc, etc...

So, your seeing the linebreak 'problem' when reading someone such as Neruda, continues
to point out
just how
fine a line
poets
walk.
8)

Tom's "details" remark was just another nail in the coffin of this "poem" needing to be approached as a poem. Linebreaks, whether they do only seem to break up prose are always (always) to be considered when scratching a poem. Tom's opinion was a good one, I thought in this case (and most other cases too).

As for my original post where I didn't say glowing things and was ignored. Being ignored told the whole story. I was not talking to someone to cared to make the poem any better...or even make a poem. It was therapy. There is a big difference between poems and therapy 8)

Cheers,
L
p.s. Switz's ignoring me was the perfect response for him. He owes me no thanks where no help or appreciation was gleaned. I got what was appropriate (ignored) under these circumstances. I am a quick learner...
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Kush
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Post by Kush » Mon Oct 02, 2006 1:58 am

Well I often ignore responses and am ignored in turn. It works well....response and overt appreciation are overrated concepts if you ask me.
LaurieAK
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Joined: Wed Nov 20, 2002 2:00 am

Post by LaurieAK » Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:18 am

Exactly. The 'mutual admiration society' is overrated. It means nothing under those circumstances. Sad, really.

Cheers to ya Kush!
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