The House of Cards

This is for your own works!!!
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rmorgan
Posts: 114
Joined: Sun Nov 06, 2011 5:01 pm

The House of Cards

Post by rmorgan » Fri Jun 29, 2012 12:44 pm

Wrecked cars on a concrete roof
Men sing of death and dying
Women dream of coloured hair
While foreign faces kiss the glass
Preparing to break in at last
Determined to demand a share

Debt and lenders run the prison
Shamelessly buy politicians
Trading and negotiating
Everything they get their hands on
All accounts belong to them
As the storm rips through the dawn
As the train comes rolling in

Old folks know the words you need
Christmas, Eid and New Year’s Eve
They know too well the flood that’s coming
Firstborn killings, days of judging
Hear the priceless words they speak
Sit and listen at their feet

All the visions double back
Dreams defenceless from attack
Abandoned on the open plain
Not a tree in sight to climb
Immobilized by all the weight
Of present day and ancient crime

As it turns out, it’s now too late
The house of cards comes crashing down
Its credit out of time and date
The self-appointed priests of hate
Are left to tend the fires at night
To keep the packs and prides at bay
For all the so-called good and great
Hanging from the hands of fate.
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Byron
Posts: 3171
Joined: Tue Nov 26, 2002 3:01 pm
Location: Mad House, Eating Tablets, Cereals, Jam, Marmalade and HONEY, with Albert

Re: The House of Cards

Post by Byron » Fri Aug 31, 2012 8:57 pm

As it turns out, it’s now too late
The house of cards comes crashing down
Its credit out of time and date
The self-appointed priests of hate
Are left to tend the fires at night
To keep the packs and prides at bay
For all the so-called good and great
Hanging from the hands of fate.



Wow.....not a suitable word of exclamation in a lyrical setting, but for me it sums it up.
"Bipolar is a roller-coaster ride without a seat belt. One day you're flying with the fireworks; for the next month you're being scraped off the trolley" I said that.
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fishfishquaileye
Posts: 546
Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2011 11:11 pm

Re: The House of Cards

Post by fishfishquaileye » Sun Sep 02, 2012 11:16 pm

Ruthy, and Irony Byrony, let us look together at the quoted verse, sentence by sentence, and let harshness fall gracefully in the greater cause of better writing in the futureth, on some othereth day


As it turns out, it’s now too late
soz, clumsy, all the words are too small


The house of cards comes crashing down
8 Cliché penalty points, house of bleedin' cards, OY!


Its credit out of time and date
if this be a credit card suggestion, I like- it would show the poem not to be entirely bankrupt


The self-appointed priests of hate
I think everyone likes self-appointed although it is a mystery why. Is there that much competition that people go "I don't care what you say but I'm a Priest of Hate" ?

Are left to tend the fires at night
half syllable too long, say it, you will see


To keep the packs and prides at bay
if this be a pack of cards suggestion, then ditto above


For all the so-called good and great
nope, don't get it


Hanging from the hands of fate.
a further 6 Cliché penalty points



the redeeming feature of this, Ruthy, is that it sounds like the writer was having fun.


all the besty

Fishy
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Byron
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Joined: Tue Nov 26, 2002 3:01 pm
Location: Mad House, Eating Tablets, Cereals, Jam, Marmalade and HONEY, with Albert

Re: The House of Cards

Post by Byron » Mon Sep 03, 2012 12:08 am

I'm old. What the hell is "soz" ?
"Bipolar is a roller-coaster ride without a seat belt. One day you're flying with the fireworks; for the next month you're being scraped off the trolley" I said that.
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fishfishquaileye
Posts: 546
Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2011 11:11 pm

Re: The House of Cards

Post by fishfishquaileye » Mon Sep 03, 2012 12:32 am

Byron wrote:I'm old. What the hell is "soz" ?

soz, I forgot you were such an old geezer who may not know that "soz" means sorry. I thought, despite your ancientnosity, you were down with the kids. Obvs not.
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Byron
Posts: 3171
Joined: Tue Nov 26, 2002 3:01 pm
Location: Mad House, Eating Tablets, Cereals, Jam, Marmalade and HONEY, with Albert

Re: The House of Cards

Post by Byron » Mon Sep 03, 2012 12:58 am

Obvs ?

Oh bugger, venerable shxthead ?
"Bipolar is a roller-coaster ride without a seat belt. One day you're flying with the fireworks; for the next month you're being scraped off the trolley" I said that.
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