Where My Good Intentions Intend Me to Be

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Teratogen
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Where My Good Intentions Intend Me to Be

Post by Teratogen » Fri Jun 24, 2011 8:42 am

Where My Good Intentions Intend Me to Be

There was a question
About how much time
We were spending with each other.
Who was curious?
I suppose I asked the question
Out loud.
You asked the question
In silence.
But seeing as I addressed it
As a pink elephant
You had been absolved of the curiosity,
And though I turned to you
For your answer
It was now I who was overcome
By the spotlight.

Is there something to be said for every occasion together
Being ones that I initiate?
It would appear the interest is one-sided.
The burden of proof now clings to me.
Ah, but your question came out anyway,
For somewhere a curious sense of doubt emerged
To whisper its supposition that
My intentions
Were far too devious to be taken
In good faith.
Are you just another beautiful woman—
Albeit with quirks and peculiarities—
Who has a bunch of lonesome men—
Albeit with quirks and peculiarities—
Make advances upon her,
Armed poorly
With a dully-crafted confused sense of longing
And a shield of romantic ardor?
Are you one of those beautiful women?
Am I one of those lonesome men?

Whether we are or we are not,
It does not matter
(Oh, but I am curious, aren’t I?).
That woman is tired and afraid,
No longer certain of what it means to be happy,
And that man mistakes his desire for his duty,
No longer certain of what it means to love another.
Oh, but, I don’t know that I’m quite ready
To call things by such names yet.

I came to you a newborn
Along the road from hell
Where I once traveled to by circumstance.
It isn’t just paved with good intentions,
It’s decorated and littered with them, too—
Pretty poisonous purple poodle-dog bushes to boot.
I mapped my good intentions
And took the same road back,
And found you stranded at the curb.
For all that I have learned
From the things that I have seen
And the things that I have done,
I know that dark adventure
Down the other side of that road.
For all that I have learned
From the things that I have seen
And the things that I have done,
I know that hope preserved
Was on this side of that road.

I own happiness now,
And I charge nothing in sharing it.
You may call it charity,
But I call it freedom.
And if I ever have to go back
I will know which road to take.

Sometimes asking, “Why?”
Will be the least of your worries;
Though if I really needed a reason
I have them all:
I can come over and help you extract ticks from your dogs’ ears.
I can also come over and we can walk them late at night,
Or even take them out for a hike.
And I’m sorry if I may be too lax in training them properly;
I will use good intentions to offer to hold a leash.
You can give me the option of choosing where to eat,
And knowing your favorite restaurant I’ll flip a coin
And, whether it land on heads or tails,
I’ll employ my good intentions with a smile
And pick your favorite restaurant either way.
I can read all the books you suggest and watch your favorite films,
Only to get a better glimpse of your good intentions.
And then I can eat your vegan food to give you a glimpse of mine.
I can accompany you to comedy shows
Where a gentleman you’ve been frequenting the weekends with appears
And it will be slightly awkward for the both of us, he and I,
But my good intentions will keep me amiable.
I may even get to meet your entire family in a single day,
Think that they’re an odd but excellent bunch,
And I’ll eventually recall it all very fondly with my good intentions.
In fact, while we’re at it, we can visit a group of your friends,
Who will that evening invite me to a party two days later,
Where I will meet even more of them.
It will be more wild and raucous than anything I’ve ever seen,
And I’ll think that they’re an odd but excellent bunch,
And I’ll eventually recall it all very fondly with my good intentions—
And then begin to make a few of my own friendships with them,
With nothing but good intentions, of course.
I can make the effort to introduce myself to all your
Ex-boyfriends in attendance at said party,
Except for the one coward that will leave you for someone else,
Because my good intentions will know better than that.
I can come over and quietly listen to all the conversations
Among you and your friends, you and your sister, your sister and your friends,
Your friends with each other,
And then I can watch you fall asleep on the couch while they’re still going at it,
And I’ll feel that my presence was uncomfortable for everyone,
And then I’ll make apologies for it with good intentions.

I can even come over and just listen to you talk.
I can be captivated in your dialogue, especially when old stories will be told,
Because your good intentions will mean to express their amusing natures
And your voice will raise and your smile will widen
And when you laugh at the silliest things
I’ll know you are enjoying yourself.
Then, with good intentions, you can do the voice of Pepe from the Muppets
And all hysterical hell will break loose from your sense of humor.
You can mention your ex-boyfriends again;
I used to think you were trying to make jealous their defeated spirits,
But I will soon begin to think you long for the better times between them all.
Yoga can be a hot topic too and, when paired with your emotional days at work,
The scales will try to balance all the difficulties involved
To determine which is more strenuous to your stability—
My good intentions: all ears.
And when it all gets to be too much I can come over and help to bathe your dog.
Later we may take them for a hike,
Where we may encounter so many various kinds of flowers and plants,
Foliage and shrubbery—things I have such a deficient knowledge of.
But I can learn very slowly and you can teach me.
You can teach me and perhaps my good intentions and I may teach you
A thing or two as well.

One day I can come over and help to cut down branches from ugly bushes in your backyard
And get thorns in my hands and you can say,
“You know what you got there? You got a fishhook in your finger.”
I can even take the cinnamon challenge for a few laughs,
Just like the time I’ll wind up swallowing a bunch of wasabi at the Japanese restaurant,
Just like the time I’ll wind up eating a jalapeno at the Thai restaurant—your favorite—
With my good intentions being there to cheer me on.
If my good intentions require it I can even help to fill balloons with candy
For your students on the last day of school before summer,
Eating too many of the Starburst myself.
You can complain a little bit—
Protest the world around you but find so many faults in yourself,
And it will be difficult to determine
Where your good intentions remain on those issues.
Eventually you’ll confess your unhappiness.
Eventually I’ll say something about burning bibles,
To let you know that my good intentions are strong enough
To withstand faith in the scripture
As well as the mutual act of destroying an obsolete ideology.
My good intentions will have to hold my hand through it all
Because it will be difficult to find the courage
To leave things like that just lying on the table.
I’ll wind up submitting to my vulnerability
And it will feel uncomfortable to say;
I will even divulge how I overstepped the boundaries
Of friendship
With someone else before, exclaiming
That there were many hard lessons I had learned,
Even though I had done it all with the best of intentions.
But it will not matter, just like it did not then,
Because your knowledge of my honest confession of regrets
Will not do me any favors to you.
And I will have to come home afterwards and write this poem about it all.
I could do that much
For myself
With good intentions.

Sometimes I am afraid
I may repeat some of the same mistakes I had made in the past.
I am afraid that I will intrude,
Push buttons, dig too deep,
Attempt something that crosses the line
And oversteps the boundary,
And it will be the end of it all.
I am afraid of this, and I look to find
Where I may understand my acceptance in your life
As being okay.
I must ask permission quite often,
And I must first be allowed
Before ever entreating where I am not wanted.
It is difficult to determine when you are allowing me inside
Or if you throw your hands up and spill your guts
Only after I have pushed too hard.
My good intentions aside,
The road to hell is long and painful and perplexing
And it is not the road to hell that many people take.
I tread warily, though my destination is unchanged.

I own happiness now,
And I charge nothing in sharing it.
You may think it’s not for you,
But I know that it is
And, in fact, you’ve already got it.
But if I ever have to go back there
In order to help you understand this,
I will know which road to take.

Sometimes I may not wind up exactly
Where my good intentions intend me to be,
But at least I know that I’ll wind up happy.
"Rock and roll is dead, but I am its revival. I'm prophesied by sages died, from Buddha to the Bible." --TERATOGEN
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