Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

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Teratogen
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Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby Teratogen » Tue Feb 16, 2010 2:39 pm

Welcome to Purgatory – Population: 1

This looks so much like heaven, ah, but it feels so much like hell
I used to know the difference but now it’s so hard to really tell
The pollution in the air gives off such pretty colors
Ah, but you and your clouds would never let us become lovers

Oh, and looks can be deceiving, yes, nothing is quite as it seems
I’m caught within such distances between my hopes and dreams
And in this tired old reflection I’ve seen those troublesome faces
Whose sighs of despair are lost among these whispered traces

Oh, but now there is no time
Ah, to even please ‘em
No, there is no rhyme
Ah, no, there is no reason
To commit such a crime
As rewarding as high treason
Oh, this must be Purgatory

And somewhere between truth and fiction
I praise the gods of this religion
For the window they try to be
They appear more like a wall
Holding up their proud conviction
With an overbearing dereliction
You are everything to me
Yet nothing, nothing at all

This looks so much like freedom, ah, but it feels so much like death
If life is what we’re living for then I won’t hold my breath
Somewhere your frozen beauty will meet my burning ugliness
Somewhere the message of hate will meet with great success

Somewhere between the crucifixion and the resurrection
Somewhere between the heart’s receipt and apathy’s rejection
Somewhere between the Promised Land and the holocaust
Oh, somewhere the message of love has totally been lost

The saints are spoken for
Ah, by the sinners’ tongues
When losers go to war
They write the winners’ songs
And where the eagles soar
Oh, there the dove belongs
Oh, this must be Purgatory

And somewhere between here and there
In the middle of nowhere
I’m lost in a memory
Of the smiles that I recall
But to ask me to for this prepare
I shall comply, though it’s most unfair
You mean everything to me
Yet nothing, nothing at all

This looks so much like happiness, but it feels so much like resentment
I felt a smile form on my face inside the Palace of Contentment
That was surrounded by Paradise now reduced to ruin
Somewhere between the fastening of my mind to its undoing

Somewhere between high romance and my cold and shattered heart
Somewhere between the pains of loss and this cathartic art
Somewhere between loneliness and a pleasant solitude
Somewhere the strength of this routine begins to come unglued

Oh, and some have their wealth
Yes, and some have poverty
Ah, some have their health
And some have leprosy
Oh, but the heart can’t cure itself
Against love’s barefaced blasphemy
Oh, this must be Purgatory

And somewhere between truth and fiction
I curse the gods of this religion
Between the joy and jealousy
My pride will rise and fall
The angels cause their own affliction
Living in the demons’ jurisdiction
You are everything to me
Yet nothing, nothing at all

This looks so much like an honest confession, but it feels so much like I’ve lied
The things that I said were supposed to praise love but instead were my suicide
One hand clutching my heart in a fist, the other is reaching for truce
Ah, but I need both to fix the rope to the ceiling and tie the noose

Somewhere between the chorus of doubt and the timbre of this love ignored
Between the strings that arpeggio through every glorified minor chord
Somewhere between the swelling crescendo and the lyric of sheer deceit
Within the sound of silence I kick the stool from beneath my feet
"Rock and roll is dead, but I am its revival. I'm prophesied by sages died, from Buddha to the Bible." --TERATOGEN
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jabble524
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby jabble524 » Wed Feb 17, 2010 10:04 am

Sorry to hear that things between you and your lady friend haven't worked themselves out. I am assuming this is about the same girl from your previous poems. Your poem was very good, dark but passionate. Sometimes life is strange beyond our initial comprehension, love can be painful when it shatters your heart, but it provides an opportunity cause you can examine all the broken pieces, and re-arrange them with the knowledge you have gained from the experience, cause sorrow is painful, but sorrow is also knowledge.
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Teratogen
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby Teratogen » Wed Feb 17, 2010 2:53 pm

It's hard to deal with, man. It really is. It's even harder to deal with when there are ten thousand questions and the one who can answer them refuses to. Not only refuses to answer, but won't even hear the questions. There has been no contact made, I've lost track of the days... been around 4 months now, maybe longer. I get sad, I get angry, I get confused, I get detached, I get reminiscing, I get tired, very tired. I get back to the old routines, I attempt new things and turn those into routines, I keep telling myself it's time to change. I change, then I change back. Or I change and I realize it wasn't much of a change at all. Or I change and realize I can never go back. I just feel like no matter how far I run, crawl, skip, no matter in what direction, it always feels the same to me, like I'm in limbo, in Purgatory. It's a vast desert and I see great possibilities in every direction, but they wind up being hallucinations. I turn a corner and I see the same corner ahead of me. I turn that corner and I'm back where I began. It never ends. It perplexes me to think how much I've been destroyed by this person all the while she smiles and claims that happiness is her comfortable shelter.
"Rock and roll is dead, but I am its revival. I'm prophesied by sages died, from Buddha to the Bible." --TERATOGEN
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GinaDCG
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby GinaDCG » Wed Feb 17, 2010 3:13 pm

I enjoyed (is that the right word? maybe "appreciated" "grocked"?) your poem. I've been there once upon a time. And I thought I'd never escape, but . . . here I am. If there was a map out of the mazed trap I would send the diagrams and directions. But, as you doubtless know, each entrapment requires it's own unique path to be discoverd/invented. Here's hoping you find a good, sturdy miner's cap which can help you find the way out. From perusing your myspace page it looks like you're already acquainted with the best illuminators and map makers in the business.
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Teratogen
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby Teratogen » Thu Feb 18, 2010 1:19 am

Cohen, Bukowski, Blake, Baudelaire... going backwards in the alphabet I just realized! Yes, I can't seem to wrap my mind around novels anymore. Not now at least. I'm more than satisfied with poetry. It's how I get my emotions out when I write it and I am more comfortable reading of the others who do the same.

It's always more frightening when you feel your options have been exhausted and still there's no progress that's been made. I will stand here and say that, but most who know me well will most likely claim with good intentions and sound argument to boot that I have indeed made progress. But I won't argue them. I'd like to think I've made progress, but when I think of progress I think of an emotional detachment to her, and that is not what I want. I am more afraid of forgetting her and losing her that way than I am of being unsure of where to attempt to go next.
"Rock and roll is dead, but I am its revival. I'm prophesied by sages died, from Buddha to the Bible." --TERATOGEN
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GinaDCG
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby GinaDCG » Thu Feb 18, 2010 3:31 pm

During what might have been a similar period in my life my progression did not so much involve losing the "loss" so much as accepting it. I have a room in my head for preschool memories; another room for this trip or that book, and I have a room for the pain I endured once because this guy I wanted rejected me. The rejection does not somehow make my attachment to my husband any less -- it's just there. Another room in my mental house. I can go in and out as I wish -- and that's the crucial part. I can go out. But I remember the time when I (as you so perfectly described) was trapped. So, if your experience should in any way mirror mine you need not necessarily (as I so awkwardly put it above;) lose the loss -- you just compartmentalize the loss and then choose to visit, or avoid it as you wish. In some way that might be seen as a "sell out" to the intensity of that moment in life -- and we all want to keep that intensity and validate it. But what in life is ours to keep absolutely? Sometimes there is a wisdom in forgetting that intensity; and whether we attribute that wisdom to "Time," or "G-d," or "our unconscious" or some beatific "other" who enters our life, does not effect the efficacy of that wisdom. Good luck.
jabble524
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby jabble524 » Fri Feb 19, 2010 8:27 am

I know what you mean about unanswered questions, that always makes it harder. Of the handful of times I have had my heartbroken, it was always easier when I had answers or reasons so I could begin the process of closure. Anyways, I hope you feel better- you seem like a good guy from reading your poetry, and talking to you on these forums, hopefully it will all work out and the right lady will come along.
Jason
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby GinaDCG » Fri Feb 19, 2010 3:01 pm

jabble524 wrote:I know what you mean about unanswered questions, that always makes it harder. Of the handful of times I have had my heartbroken, it was always easier when I had answers or reasons so I could begin the process of closure. Anyways, I hope you feel better- you seem like a good guy from reading your poetry, and talking to you on these forums, hopefully it will all work out and the right lady will come along.
Jason
That is exactly what happened to me! I knew rejection by that time in my life. But with this one guy -- all was good and great, he went to a party with his (and my) friends while I wrote a paper due the next day (this was in college) and next day he pointedly sat away from me in the cafeteria, refused to speak to me, and indeed, refused to tell me what had changed since the day before. And to this day I have no idea what happened! On one day, he claims I'm the center of his world; the next day he won't even say "Hi," (or "Bye.") It wasn't so much the rejection as it was not knowing what the hell was going on here! I certainly empathize with anyone going through similar relationship weirdness.
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Teratogen
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby Teratogen » Fri Feb 19, 2010 3:07 pm

The "right lady" always seems to be the one that rejects me. Thank you for thinking of me so highly (or at least not so lowly, as I often do of myself). I honestly like to think, without an attachment to an inflated ego or lack of humility, that I am generally a good person. But it's hard to believe in myself as just that when I am rejected left and right, front and back, up and down. How can I really be a good person if I am so unwanted?

I can generalize all of this to every time I've failed at attemping to obtain the affection of another, but those questions to ask are for another time. I have been asking myself those questions lately, but the most important questions to me now revolve around this one particular girl. This girl was a dear friend to me. Maybe I wasn't to her, but she was to me. I had tried to make a move on her, physically, at least twice. I barely got anywhere close to where I wanted to go, but the attempts, no matter how half-assed they were, were made. She still chose to look past that and remain my friend. These instances were both some time ago, before the true emotions began to gather. Of course, once they did, and once the mention of affection came into the conversation, that is when she bolted and headed for the hills to leave me in her trail of dust. Why is that more frightening? Why is remaining friends after I attempt to kiss her okay but after I tried unsuccessfully (I can't even do THAT right) to tell her how I FELT about her she suddenly cuts me off like a gangrene limb? And now she claims she's happier without me. Why would she have kept me as a friend if she wasn't happy being my friend?

As I said... this one perplexes me the most. I haven't even begun to scratch the surface with the questions. But Gina, I think out of all the people I've talked to you've described it the best. I am afraid, as you say, to "sell out" the intensity of this moment in my life. I feel like I've been selected to feel this and nothing more, and that I have cast my lot with the lovelorn, living out the rest of my days nurturing this emotion and nourishing myself from it. I feel that it's my duty to uphold some kind of mandate, like some soldier in uniform, protecting the constitution of suffering. And I feel that if I go AWOL or abandon my post that not only will I dishonor the memory of her but I will also be discharged from my feelings about her as well.

What exactly is the wisdom in forgetting that intensity?
"Rock and roll is dead, but I am its revival. I'm prophesied by sages died, from Buddha to the Bible." --TERATOGEN
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby kwills » Sat Feb 20, 2010 11:03 pm

GinaDCG wrote:
jabble524 wrote:I know what you mean about unanswered questions, that always makes it harder. Of the handful of times I have had my heartbroken, it was always easier when I had answers or reasons so I could begin the process of closure. Anyways, I hope you feel better- you seem like a good guy from reading your poetry, and talking to you on these forums, hopefully it will all work out and the right lady will come along.
Jason
That is exactly what happened to me! I knew rejection by that time in my life. But with this one guy -- all was good and great, he went to a party with his (and my) friends while I wrote a paper due the next day (this was in college) and next day he pointedly sat away from me in the cafeteria, refused to speak to me, and indeed, refused to tell me what had changed since the day before. And to this day I have no idea what happened! On one day, he claims I'm the center of his world; the next day he won't even say "Hi," (or "Bye.") It wasn't so much the rejection as it was not knowing what the hell was going on here! I certainly empathize with anyone going through similar relationship weirdness.

Hi GinaDCG it sounds to me like someone tried to sabotage your relationship with this guy,maybe someone who wanted him for themselves?
It reminded me of something I once experienced,but with a group of friends not a boyfriend,when one day we all got on great and the next day no one spoke to me.It took some time before things finally got back to normal and I eventually found out the truth of what lay behind it all (a jealous girl) At the time it was terribly hurtful and confusing.
Manchester 19th June/Cardiff 8th Nov
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kwills
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby kwills » Sat Feb 20, 2010 11:53 pm

Teratogen,sometimes I feel I want to hug you and make things better for you,and at other times I feel like shouting PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!
You sound such an intelligent young man why have you such a low esteem of yourself? There's an old saying "learn to love oneself,if you don't love yourself how do you expect others to love you?"or words to that effect.People who know me well will be saying "you're a fine one to talk!" I used to be really shy with a low self esteem and madly in love with a young man who barely knew I existed(until he had had a few drinks!)
The impression I've had whilst reading this thread and your poem is that maybe you were too needy with your friend, and when you tried to declare your love for her she decided that the best way to deal with it was for a clean break,hoping that you would get over her quicker that way,than by staying friends and maybe giving you false hope of something more than friendship.She should have given you some explanation though,maybe she didn't know how to.

You will find true love one day and it will probably happen when you least expect it, and when you're not even looking for it!

You will never forget her or your feelings for her,but you won't dishonour yourself or her by moving on either.

I hope all goes well for you Jason and that I haven't offended you by my post.

Karen
Manchester 19th June/Cardiff 8th Nov
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leonardmtl
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby leonardmtl » Sun Feb 21, 2010 12:22 am

Hi T.

This is not a thread I normally post on, but having happenned upon it, let me add my two cents.....unless your friendship was maturing, the experience of many is ....if your friend didn't want to be romantic with you , the first thing she would do is hide behind the "lets be friends" barrier, and try not hurt you while she prepared to move on. Essentially, you may think it is a true friendship, whatever that means, maybe just convenience for your friend (sorry!) Time line is important here,To prove mutual "buy in" .both of you would Invest lots of time to consolidate the friendship Thats the way I see it,,,the clock doesn"t lie......I dunno't if that helps. i sure hope I haven't missed the part in this thread about duration

Leonard from Montreal
We're all on one road....we're only passing through....

1967 Montreal / 2008 Toronto/ 2009 New York Beacon /Boston 2x /New York MSG / Chelsea Hotel Plaque Celebration /San Jose / 2010 Las Vegas 2x / 2012 Montreal 2x /Boston 2x
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Teratogen
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby Teratogen » Sun Feb 21, 2010 4:43 am

kwills, I understand your position. I'm not offended in the least. I'm aware of that common phrase and I have been told that plenty of times. But the catch in that phrase for it to be true is there needs to be a reason to love oneself. I need to love myself before others can love me. But it would be a love founded on faith, for which I lack quite immensely. My view is that when I have not witnessed or experienced much love from others then something must be wrong with me, and how can I love myself if I don't know how to fix just what it is that is wrong? I find it hard to love myself when I don't get it much from others. It takes a leap of faith and I don't have that in me.

But I realize yeah, I may have been needy. I know I was certainly overbearing. I am aware of what my faults are. I'd be the first to admit them. I attempted making an apology to her, twice, and was met with more apathy and no response whatsoever. I left out any inkling of emotional investment too. It was a clean, simple, and sincere apology.

leonardmtl, I thank you for wanting to post here and intervene, I really do. I feel exhausted from explaining this whole story after doing it so many times on here and with other people (work, friends, family, etc.). If you're really that interested there is a helluva lot more information on most of the other threads of my poems I've posted. But believe me, your position is one I've considered and tried to view this situation from, among so many others. It's a possibility, as is many other positions about what is exactly going on in her head. So many questions they all raise, but never any definite answer to be found. :/
"Rock and roll is dead, but I am its revival. I'm prophesied by sages died, from Buddha to the Bible." --TERATOGEN
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby Alsiony » Fri Feb 26, 2010 2:26 pm

Thanks for posting this Tera - Like the vast majority of your work - I appreciate it hugely.

As the thread went along, I noticed (as it appeared to me reading anyways) - some 'magic words' from your very own mind and fingers (that's the problem with pc's and keyboards - 'mind and pen' sounds soooo much nicer :) - but anyways...)
I'd like to think I've made progress, but when I think of progress I think of an emotional detachment to her, and that is not what I want. I am more afraid of forgetting her and losing her that way than I am of being unsure of where to attempt to go next.
Here I am reminded of a potentially wonderful thing... Having the door shut and locked in your face, so to speak, really is one of the worst things imaginable (- well I don't need to personally elaborate on that as such because I have shared my experiences with you on it in the past). But what if it could be recognised that this might be a good thing in the end? What I mean to say is - how long could an ending situation go on for? Would it be worse if it dragged out for even longer with her slowly shutting and locking the door in your face instead?
You could argue, that you have been presented, immediately, with a completely new door to walk through - all in one painful terrible blow, and this time you spend now - gathering your strength to be able to actually walk through said door, is your opportunity to make record of what has happened and how you have felt about it all.
If you can accept the outcome- then you must therefore be able to say - hand on heart - that despite the negative things, you wouldn't turn back time and erase it from your life.
This pause - this limbo, purgatory, call it what you will, if you try to view it as a positive thing - is like the ashey ground after the destructive consequences of a huge volcano erupting. You have already proven that the ground is fertile my friend, and you continue to do so. This is where you are committing all that was profound and held treasured meaning - this is how you are not forgetting her or yourself from this time you had.

Well, anyhows, those few lines that you wrote made me think this.

Continued Best Wishes Tera

A
x
Weybridge MBW 11th July 2009

'All I know - and you must listen very carefully to this... All I know - is that I know absolutely nothing' - Frank

'Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?' - Christopher Marlowe

Much misunderstood... was the 'Hippie' with a reality fixation...
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Teratogen
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Re: Welcome to Purgatory - Population: 1

Postby Teratogen » Sat Feb 27, 2010 3:19 pm

Alsiony wrote:But what if it could be recognised that this might be a good thing in the end?
What if? I'm sure anyone who has been following this narrative that goes nowhere can recognize it as such, but I'm having quite a difficult time of it. I'm sure most would also say that I'm not really having a difficult time, in fact I might be seeing the light through the cracks after all, but I've never been one to give myself enough credit, and would obviously rather stand here and fight tooth and nail for the pride of my self-pity.
Alsiony wrote:Would it be worse if it dragged out for even longer with her slowly shutting and locking the door in your face instead?
Perhaps, but which is the lesser of two evils? You can't really pick and say "I'd rather have this horrible thing happen to me as opposed to the other." At least if it happened gradually I'd have an opportunity to put my foot in the door to stop it at some point and attempt to re-open it.
Alsiony wrote:If you can accept the outcome- then you must therefore be able to say - hand on heart - that despite the negative things, you wouldn't turn back time and erase it from your life.
I seriously regret how I handled it. If I had been a hell of a lot more attune to the circumstances and relaxed my eager curiosity, among many other things, I am positive it wouldn't have turned out this way. In the end I can only blame myself for being overbearing and not figuring out a better way to attempt to talk to her.
"Rock and roll is dead, but I am its revival. I'm prophesied by sages died, from Buddha to the Bible." --TERATOGEN
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