Femme Fatal mistake

This is for your own works!!!
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Strictly Confidential
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Femme Fatal mistake

Post by Strictly Confidential » Mon Dec 29, 2003 8:00 pm

In the shadow of our love,

you began to dance with another

steps we had never shared.

It was my suggestion,

I designed the invitation

with years of nagging reason.

Now the cries of my objection

are lost under

your sighs of discovery.

And I know it's not

sighs that matter and

I always thought

it might end in tears

but I never planned

they would be mine.
Ben Kelly
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Location: London and Kent UK

Post by Ben Kelly » Mon Dec 29, 2003 8:13 pm

Dear SC

Very professional and economical but so classy

Less is alway more.


Kind regards

Ben
Life rewards action, just as well done is better than well said. Yours the Galactic Pixie
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lizzytysh
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Post by lizzytysh » Tue Dec 30, 2003 3:29 am

Dear SC ~

Welcome to the Forum :D . Your poem is very cleverly written. I'm wondering if your last use of "sighs" is intentionally ambiguous. Your lament de-escalates to the singular very effectively. I like how you showed the turnabout. I hope you'll contribute more poems.

~ Lizzytysh
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Heretic
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Post by Heretic » Tue Dec 30, 2003 1:08 pm

This could be the work of the master.
However he would never post here.
Even so..........
Strictly Confidential
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Post by Strictly Confidential » Tue Dec 30, 2003 2:51 pm

I would like to change the two lines so the ambiguity is a wee bit clearer.



In the shadow of our love,

you began to dance with another

steps we had never shared.

It was my suggestion,

I designed the invitation

with years of nagging reason.

Now the cries of my objection

are lost under

your sighs of discovery.

And I know they say

sighs don't matter and

I always thought

it might end in tears

but I never planned

they would be mine.



thanks for the comments on this poem.
Moonlight
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Post by Moonlight » Tue Dec 30, 2003 3:40 pm

Cohen lite.
Strictly Confidential
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Post by Strictly Confidential » Tue Dec 30, 2003 5:38 pm

cohen lite?
quite alright.

thanks
Moonlight
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Post by Moonlight » Tue Dec 30, 2003 8:50 pm

The poem barely rises to the level of lite. All this faux Cohen. I wish the poets on this board would find their own voices. Say what you will about George's poetry, (and a lot of it is truly awful) the voice is unmistakeably his own.
Ben Kelly
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Location: London and Kent UK

Post by Ben Kelly » Tue Dec 30, 2003 8:58 pm

Moonlight

This is one of the best poems I have read on the board, this is a poem of pure class. I also rate George's poems highly as well. George and I have a great deal of fun on the board, why take it all so seriously?

Have a Happy New Year

Ben
Life rewards action, just as well done is better than well said. Yours the Galactic Pixie
Moonlight
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Joined: Sat Apr 05, 2003 9:17 am

Post by Moonlight » Tue Dec 30, 2003 9:01 pm

That's just the problem. It is one of the best poems on this board.

Happy New Year to you too! :D
Strictly Confidential
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Post by Strictly Confidential » Tue Dec 30, 2003 9:52 pm

ok let me come clean. I wrote this in under 5 minutes. It is typical of what I do. I wish I could write much better poems but I can't. they are all fine and interesting and ok'ish. and that's it. any similarity to cohen is chance. this is actaully my own voice.

and, incidentally, Cohen doesn't make such good jokes like "size/sighs doesn't matter"!
Moonlight
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Post by Moonlight » Tue Dec 30, 2003 10:15 pm

I wrote this in under 5 minutes. It is typical of what I do.


It shows. You and river's edge ought to get together. He confuses "ease" in writing with ability too.
[/quote]
Moonlight
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Post by Moonlight » Tue Dec 30, 2003 10:16 pm

I wrote this in under 5 minutes. It is typical of what I do.


It shows. You and river's disquise ought to get together. He confuses "ease" in writing with ability too.
Strictly Confidential
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Post by Strictly Confidential » Tue Dec 30, 2003 10:41 pm

that is a naiive response Moonlight. I make no confusion between ease of writing and ability. On the contrary I am confessing that I can't develop beyond what comes easy. I am also lucky that what comes easy for me is decent enough (albeit not more). Incidentally, being new here and therefor not knowing anyone's history, is there any special reason why you are so unhappy?
George.Wright
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Post by George.Wright » Wed Dec 31, 2003 12:55 am

Good Poem, S.C.
ignore the quips.
Georges
I am a right bad ass, dankish prince and I love my Violet to bits.
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