Jokes needed

[Grecian man]

A woman traveling on a bus was trying to breast feed her new born ,
feeling frustrated she pointed to the man opposite and said to the baby , " If you don't take your
milk I'll give it to that man over there "
Desperately trying to feed her child the lady repeated this line several times
" If you don't take your milk I'll give it to that man over there "
Eventually the man stood up and said " Hey lady make up your dam mind quickly
cause I should 've got off six stops ago "

[News Gal]

Smart Ass Answer #1:



A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[kwills]

LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

[lizzytysh]

A different sort o' joke, but still worth a smile. The photo that these came with was of a woman leaning over her birthday cake and lighting her cigarette off one of the three candles signifying "100":



SERENITY

The nice thing about being senile is

You can hide your own Easter eggs.


*******************************************************************************


I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.


*******************************************************************************


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

So I got my doctor's permission to

Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,

By the time I got my leotard on,

The class was over.


*********************************************************************



THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eyesight to tell the difference.


*********************************************************************************


~ Lizzy

[kwills]

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath. 'Mum,' he asked, 'are these my
brains?' 'Not yet,' replied his mother.

[kwills]

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, he was
unable to get his penis erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of
his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was
nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was
willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues
from an elephant's trunk into his penis.

The man thought about it a while. The thought of going through life without
ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the
assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to
go for it.

A few weeks after the operation he was given the green light to go and try
out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening
with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that
continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis sprang out, slid
across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his
trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face
said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my arse!"

[mwaldman]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose , what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[News Gal]

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[lizzytysh]

[Grecian man]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

He did, and they had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . . "

Wait for it.


It's coming.



The suspense is killing you, isn't it?









She says! :

"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Grecian man]

A woman walks into the Emergency Department and calls out Doctor Doctor, I have acute angina

He said thats good cause your legs aren't so hot

[Grecian man]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bed-room where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, '.....but uhm, what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I then asked him what to give you.'

He said, 'Screw him.....give him a dollar.'

The blonde then blushed and said, 'But the breakfast was my idea.

[lizzytysh]

[Paula]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot...

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up
on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything
seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break
it to you as gently as I can. Your Willy was chopped off in the
wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've
checked your insurance and you've actually got up to £9,000
compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the
technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well
as your old one, better in fact.

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It is one thousand pounds
an inch.'

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple
decision,' the doctor says, 'you need to decide how many inches you
want.

But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you
had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch
Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inches
before and you decide only to invest in a five inches now, she might
be a bit disappointed.

So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the
decision.

The doctor comes back the next day.

'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the chap.

'And has she helped you to make the decision?'

'Yes, she has' he says.

'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor...

'We're having a new kitchen.'

[kwills]

Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand.
I've run over a pig what shall I do?'
'Shoot it' says the farmer 'and then bury him'
A little while later he gets another phone call 'Done that what should I do with the speed camera'