Jokes needed

[Heike]

Not new, but I like this one :

The engineer of a train passing through Poland could see no lights because the power had been knocked out.
"We're running out of coal," he said to his fireman, "Let's stop and send the porter out to buy fuel. Can you see the sign on the depot?"
The fireman replied: "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."
And the engineer shouted: "Buy coal, Porter!"

[friscogrl]

A middle aged woman had just returned from the Dr.'s office where she had just had a complete physical.
She gets home and her husband asks "so how did the physical go?"
It went very well his wife replied. The doctor said I have skin like a twenty year old.
And then he said i had the breasts of thirty year old.
The husband then asked "yeah and what did he say about your fifty year old ass?"
Oh you were never mentioned!

[Grecian man]

This sites cheering me up already

Patient : " doctor I have an embarassing problem , I keep farting but its weird there's
lots of air , no noise and no smell at all , please help me ".
With that the mans trousers filled with air and flapped like a flag in a storm .
Doctor : " take these tablets , 10 a day for two weeks and come back to me .
Patient returns : It's worse than ever doc , I'm still farting lots of air no noise but now
the smell is awful .
Doctor : thats great .
Patient : what do you mean ?
Doctor : thats your nose fixed now lets work on your hearing .

[Grecian man]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the


lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely..

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your
ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... that was me.'

[Grecian man]

BTW you can post as many jokes in a row as u please on this topic and I

promise I won't be offended .

Keep them coming

[kwills]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

[Grecian man]

LOL Kwills I like your way of thinking

[Paula]

These are real announcements from pilots and cabin crew

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish,but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

2) Airline attendant during safety demonstration: "There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

3) Stewardess after a bumpy touchdown: "We ask you to please remain seated whilst Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

4) Loudspeaker announcement after landing: "Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

5) Attendant from same airline: "Welcome aboard. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. If you don't know how to operate one then you really shouldn't be out unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child with you, secure your own mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more".

6) Pilot: "The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.Thank you, and remember.... nobody loves you or your money more than this airline".

7) Stewardess: "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In an emergency water landing, please take one with our compliments".

Pilot heard over loudspeaker during touchdown: "Whoa, big fella,WHOA!"

9) Flight attendant after rough landing: "Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our plane to the terminal gate".

10) Stewardess: "As you exit, please make sure to gather your belongings. Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses".

11) Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry..... sadly none of them are on this flight".

12) Flight attendant: " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the terminal gate. Once the tyre-smoke has cleared and the warning bells stop, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal".

13) Steward: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us".

14) Stewardess: "Last passenger off the plane has to clean it".

15) Loudspeaker announcement: " I don't know whether we landed or were shot down".

16)Pilot "Welcome aboard flight 163 to New York, we shall be flying at agggghhhh ....oh my god!... oh no!.......... sorry about that folks.I've just spilt my coffee, you should see the front of my trousers." Passenger - in response: "You should see the back of mine....!!"

[Paula]

12 Days of Christmas


Dearest Darling John, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful romantic gift.Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.With deep affection,You're ever loving Agnes.

15th December......My Dearest Darling John,Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves.I am delighted, they are adorable.All my love, Agnes

16th December.........Dearest Darling John,Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.You're loving Agnes.

17th December Dear John What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the Postman this morning. Your kindness really is too much. Love Agnes.

18th December My Dear John What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.Love Agnes.

19th December Dear John When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody Great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise! Please stop.Cordially yours,Agnes.

20th December What is it with you and these fucking birds? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place! Is it some sort of god damned joke? The house is full of bird shit, and the racket !!! I am becoming a nervous wreck.It is not funny anymore, stop sending these fucking birds !!! Agnes

21st December OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night long.FUCK OFF !!!!!!!Agnes.

22nd December Look dick head - what are you on ??? You're having a laugh. Now I have Nine pipers playing shite music constantly!!!! And Christ do they play....When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the Maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the fucking birds !!!The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.Agnes.

23rd December You are a fucking bastard !!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling the pipers all night long!!!!!The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhea. My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation.FUCK OFF AND DIE JOHN !!!!!!!.

24th December Listen shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again.The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and Resorting to committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy.I hope you're satisfied - you c**t.Your sworn enemy, Agnes.

25th December You stinking lousy shit !!!! Twelve fucking drummers, banging Their fucking drums all day long !!!! They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been buggering the cows and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids? They've probably drowned in the cow shit by now. The only way I have to saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the fucking peartree which has been well fertilised by all this shit and has now grown through the roof !!!!!Big hairy bollocks to you, Agnes.

[Pete]

A woman books herself into a hospital for cosmetic surgery. She decided to have the full works - nose job, botox, fuller lips, boob job, face lift, laser eye surgery, remodelling of chin..you name it..she was paying for it.
In the operating theatre, when the anaesthetic was administered, things went a bit wrong.
She died on the operating table before any surgery commenced.
Up she goes to the Pearly Gates.
St Peter checks his admissions book.
"There must be a mistake here...you're not due up here for another 30 years"
..so he sends her back down
.... and the machines in the operating theatre ping back to life...

and the surgery is started.

Because of the extent of the cosmetic surgery she has to stay in hospital for two months.
At the end of the two months she admires the skills of the surgeon, thanks the team that made it possible and walks out the front entrance
to cross the road
and gets run over by a bus

She finds herself back at the Pearly Gates to be confronted by St Peter.
"I thought you said I wasn't due for another 30 years???"
St Peter blushes.
"Sorry, I didn't recognise you!"

Pete

[Pete]

Paula's airline jokes remind me of the following..but this one isn't true!!

The passengers have got on the plane and have settled into their seats when 2 pilots walk down the aisle towards the front of the plane.
The alarming thing is that both are wearing dark glasses, have a white stick each and are being led by a guide dog!
The passengers think that it must be a joke and the ensuing mutterings all help agree that it has to be a prank.... no way can the pilots be blind!!

The pilots go through the door to their cabin and the stewardessess go throught the routines before take-off.
Everyone is convinced that it is a prank...smiles are exchanged and the plane starts to taxi down the runway.

and the plane picks up speed

....but doesn't seem to be leaving the ground

and the plane picks up more speed

but is not taking to the air

It suddenly dawns on everyone that maybe the pilots are blind after all.

Those by the windows see the end of the runway in sight...where they see trees...and a road..and buildings.. and people.

And, all as one...the passengers let out an almighty scream.

...and at that instant, the plane takes to the air and, with inches to spare, clears the trees and the buildings.
One pilot says to the other....
"For a second there, I didn't think they were going to scream..otherwise we'd have been in trouble"

[FOXWOOD]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
"In English " he said "a double negative forms a positive.In some languages,though,such as Russian ,a double negative is still a negative.
However,there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up,"Yeah,right."

[aaronblack]

Great thread...

The airplane jokes reminded me of an old one:

As the plane takes off, the captain finishes up his little welcome speech, but neglects to turn off the intercom.
He flips on the auto-pilot, leans back, and says to the co-pilot, "All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

The flight attendant, hearing this from the cabin, goes running toward the cockpit to let them know they are broadcasting, and a passenger shouts,"Don't forget the coffee!"

[burningviolin]

Great one Foxwood!Here's my offering.

Church Squirrels

There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church,
the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,
but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since!

[kwills]

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."