Cate wrote:Thinking back to your own close losses, did you ever get lost in that merry go round of intrusive thoughts? 'why didn't I... I should have ... maybe if I had...'
hello dear cate. so good to be in touch again.
i lost four immediate family members within a very small margin of time, but can mention two of them. i was together with my wife when she died, i knew everything there was to know - so no mystery. my daughter was a different matter, it was a shock, i didn't understand anything, the circumstances were horrendous. i felt that the only path through it, to begin the healing process, was to find out as much as possible - and that worked for me. at the police station i insisted on reading all documentation. the autopsy report consisted of many pages, minute details.
i was not allowed a copy, not even to take pictures with a mobile phone, but it was permitted to make notes. to the frustration of the officers i returned early the following day with pencil and notepad, stayed there many hours writing down the entire document. we deal with loss in our different ways, and that was mine. i read that photographs were taken, and asked to see them. an officer came with a pile of them, they were large, and put the pile face down on the desk. he turned them over one by one, each more detailed than the one before. i managed to see them all except the final two. they were close-ups, i was told, and i was strongly advised not to insist on seeing them. at that point, already long since broken down, i weakened. wanted so much to see them, but in my fragile state had no choice but to relent, didn't dare. the policeman was very kind, told me that should i change my mind i could come back, as they would be archived. i didn't return, but did visit the room where my daughter died - stayed there the whole night. came out in the morning relieved, it was over, the pain had been sort of exorcised.
well, i had not intended to write so much, cate - but at least it is an account of how one person deals with loss. had i not reacted the way i did, demanded to know all there was to know, my imagination would never have given me peace. it was a tough time, but reaching rock bottom gives a sort of comfort. one becomes confident that the worst is known, and everything after that must be less hurtful. we have to stand up every time we are knocked down, enjoy ourselves, not spend the rest of our lives afraid of what is hidden. i need to know what happened to leonard.
if i read now through what i have written in this message, it will be deleted before being posted - so apologies for any mistakes - and for writing too much. i promise to be brief next time